Chopped n Stewed

RAJAS CON CREMA

2012-02-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

This is a recipe I learned at Maria Bonita in Berlin. I certainly didn't expect to learn about Mexican cuisine while in Germany, especially what I am told was pretty authentic. Anyway, I did and I would like to pass on some of these recipes. "Rajas con Crema" means something like "Slivers with Cream." "Raya" or "Ralla" means "stripes" but I seem to remember a certain coworker of mine using that word to refer to lines of cocaine rather indiscreetly. This is a vegetarian dish but but no means a light one.

A short ingredient list: One red Pepper, one green Pepper, one sweet onion, a couple cloves of garlic, A couple chilis (i think these are jalepenos shown), some oil for cooking, some white cheese (cheddar or Monterrey Jack), and a half-pint of cream. These ingredients are all essential but the ratio is really up to you - you may want a spicier dish in which case you can up the chili content or use a hotter variety of chili. You can use yellow bell peppers too but thems shits it expensive.

Ok so cut everything up in to strips as the name suggests, which I guess blogger thinks will be easier for you to understand if this picture is loaded vertically.

Get a medium-sized pan nice and hot, and drop about 2 tablespoons of oil in and let that heat up, and then just throw errythang in the pan. It'll all shrink with cooking time so don't worry too much about contact with the pan. Give it a couple minutes before you season the veggies with salt and pepper, and then cover and reduce the heat to lowish.

A nice way to heat up your tortillas.

Once you get to about here your veggies are nice and soft and have a little bit of that fried flavor and the onion are halfway caramelized and so a little sweet, in this case a cast-iron pan really helps. It's time to add the cream and cheese!

With the heat still pretty low, pour in the half pint of cream, you may want to reserve some in case the mix thickens too much after you add the cheese and you want to thin it back out just a little. I would also suggest grating the cheese before this step so that you can quickly add the cheese before the cream reduces. You want this to be as cheesy as possible without gumming up too much! Once the cream is in, start adding cheese gradually and stirring it in.

Keep stirring the cheese in until it gets like...velveeta thick. And its ready to serve! This dish is tasty but not the prettiest thing to look at, I suggest rolling it up in flour tortillas with refried beans. Try it with some HFCS-free mexican coke (hehe).

Chill Brah pt 1

2012-01-20T18:01:00.000-08:00

There are some archetypal kitchen personalities that, for the most part I find it an added strain to mesh well with while also trying to get the job done. I say "archetypes" because 8 years into the game I continually am met with the same cast of unsavory drug-addled derelicts or in-your-fuckin-face food enthusiasts that both bring far too much of themselves to the kitchen, testing my penchant for levity and frankly making me an asshole, too. I'm not espousing some "can't we all get along" platitude but Jesus can't we all just shut the fuck up?Who is this new guy I see here with too many hardcore tattoos, whatever that annoying frame of glasses glasses frame, and one of my more hated characteristics in any cook - facial hair. Some huge-ass beard even. Shave dude - communicate your esoteric mojo through your food or do it subtly like Bourdain's weird earing or Collichio's gay soul patch. And I appreciate your enthusiasm for food, rivaled only by the mosh pit foray's of your teen years when you didn't realize drinking ruled. Sorry I didn't watch Iron Chef last night, yes blowing smoke up and ice sculpture is cool but lunch starts in 30 minutes man plus its friday plus government offices get their paychecks today so can we get back to business? After food network banter, it's on to "Oh you have this? At the restaurant I used to work..." or occasionally something more grandiose like, "At my other restaurant when I was Chef...we used to put like.." and then he will describe a whole menu item displaying stunted communication and descriptive ability i.e. "Dude at (such and such restaurant) we used to fuckin...dust that fucking shit in panko and then deep fry the motherfucker and put it on a fuckin baguette with a fuckinnnnnn roasted pepper aioli and carmalized onions and sweet gorgonzola...dude that shit was fuckinnn absurd dude." Excuse me? An absurd sandwich? Are you for real? Uh oh here comes the knife bag...I see you have a full size microplane and that little tiny zester as well. That's a real sweet 200 dollar Japanese knife you have but why the fuck are you julienning onions with the heel? Why are you shouting ticket orders to me when I am standing two feet away from you? Servers get nervous when they hear shouting, like puppies or horses or some smart-ish animal. Well that's alright, I can just go work next to the taciturn hillbilly that went to culinary school after following Widespread Panic around for however long destroying the few brain cells bestowed upon him by his consanguineous parents. He's always good for a laugh. But he can't turn sideways, he is constantly bumping into me, and using my fucking knife! I dare not broach these annoyances with him though for fear that he will spit a SKOAL-flavored loogey into my face instead of the trashcan. God forbid this gentleman should act as liaison to the waitstaff, or become overwhelmed one the line - openly cussin' and a cursin' to high hades!

Why I am going to (try to) blog again

2012-01-03T21:26:00.000-08:00

When somebody says, "I'm older now," they usually aren't just uttering a phrase that can't ever be false - they are trying to indicate some maturation from the past or articulate a position from which they can better assess some younger version of themselves. Looking back on old C&S, I can say I feel very glad to be older, and am glad that I have this stuff to look back at and laugh, mostly at myself. I can say I feel more able to communicate clearly and I think I have more substantive things to say about more focused topics, a good deal of it being about food and the restaurant industry. I still love rap, but I don't feel comfortable or equipped to talk about it in the blog format. I still get very irritated by the things that some people do, but I will try to avoid needless rants beyond the self-edifying criticisms of shit I just fucking hate. HOPEFULLY I can get episodes of Chopped & Screwed going again. Oh yeah and I'll try to be funny too.

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2012-01-03T21:03:00.001-08:00

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JUST SO TIGHT

2010-10-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

I am going to post about my trip to Russia soon, but until then watch this - it's so laid-back weed swag, it's tight.

Diamond in the rough

2010-10-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

EgliLika314

21 minutes ago

LMFAO! The video stops and he gets his bitch icecream. HAHAH

THATS THE MOST HOOD THING YOU CAN DO

GOT TO TAKE CARE OF SOME BUSINESS

2010-10-14T15:04:00.001-07:00

Back in ten days.

FALL MONEY

2010-10-14T02:39:00.001-07:00

Autumn means tight vegetables are in season: a whole family of squashes, fuckinnnnn PARSNIPS, and of course the much beloved Brussels Sprout. Yesterday I was at "da sto" as I like to call it, and I seen they had a deal on some lil pumpkins. I was like "Imma make some soup but like instead of using a bowl, I will use...like...a pumpkin." So I did. It was kind of an experiment but I would say it turned out very good, and my roommate enjoyed it so I got someone to back me up on this. You should try to make it too before it's December you and you gotta serve soup out of a grapefruit.

JOEY'S AU-THAI-MNAL SOUP
(serves 2)

What you need:
THE BOWL
One Medium sized Pumpkin (over here they are called "Hokkaido Kurbis," "kurbis" just being the German word for pumpkin. Actually "kurbiskernel" the word for pumpkin seed is one of my favorites auf deutsch)
Sugar (I only had white but brown would probably be better)
Butter
Salt

THE SOUP
One 14 oz. can of coconut milk
2 tbsp Sambal Olek
2 white potatoes, chopped small
Like 15-20 smaller brussels sprouts, cut in half, or larger ones cut in quarters.
2 medium yellow Onions chopped up
Bout a handful of spinach
One Tomato rough chop
DASH of Tabasco
DASH of soy sauce
Olive oil and butter
Salt and Pepper
Tofu is optional, as is Thai Basil which I could not get a hold of (it's Joey callin, don't answer y'all)

Da Procedure

Firstly you will need to give yourself time to roast the pumpkin properly. Cut that shit in half and take all the seeds and guts out. After you roll your blunt, wait I mean once you have gutted your pumpkin, rub the inside with about a tablespoon (if not more) of butter. Then sprinkle like two pinches of salt and about three pinches of sugar all around. Then put in on that center rack of the oven with a temp of sayyy 275 degrees. This is so that the pumpkin roasts evenly and will not burn the edges while failing to cook the parts closest to the skin. So kill an hour or so listening to Missy Elliot then start making the soup.

So get a nice POT and get some oil nice and hot, then drop in about a tablespoon of butter (this prevents the butter from burning) and then when it starts fizzling drop in all your veggies save the spinach, leaving the heat high, so that the outer leaves of the B-sprouts will blacken and get crispy. This is always nice for texture AND flavor. Stir em around for a bit, then pour in the c-nut milk and about 2 1/2 cups water or vegetable stock (or veal stock, whateva) and lower the heat to like medium, doo. Then add the Sambal and spinach, and lower the heat again and cover and let that shit simmer for 20 minutes or so. Add the DASHES and some salt. When the flesh of the pumpkin is tender you may ladel some soup into them and serve, best when garnished with fresh Thai Basil I'm sure. Here's a not-too-appetizing picture, I think I am a better cook than photographer:The best part is you can scrape the insides of the pumpkin into the soup! We ate it with a nice warm baguette and some Reblochon de Savoie. That's cheese. It was very very good. It has a funny etymology/history as well: (straight from wikipedia y'all got jacked for info)

Reblochon derives from the word 'reblocher' which when literally translated means 'to pinch a cow's udder again'. Although graphic, this refers to the practice of holding back some of the milk from the first milking. During the 14th century, the landowners would tax the mountain farmers according to the amount of milk their herds produced. The farmers would therefore not fully milk the cows until after the landowner had measured the yield. The milk that remains is much richer, and was traditionally used by the dairymaids to make their own cheese.

Also take this USA, "Raw-milk Reblochon is no longer available in the United States due to recent enforcement of laws concerning the pasteurization of soft and semi-soft cheese." HA

Try this for real! It's tight! Someone cook something I TELL YOU TO NOW.

I love food in little teigtacshen

2010-10-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

Last week I ate a lot of things in teigtaschen ("dough pockets" in German) and i gotta say it is just a really enjoyable way to eat food. Russian Pelmini, Mexican Quesadillas, and Korean Mandu are all different types of what you might call a dumpling. I ate all of these last week and I realize they are all really nice wintertime snacks or starters because the dough locks in heat so well, they can sit out for several minutes but still be steaming hot inside when you break into them. Plus its fun to eat little thangs like that. I mean I would definitely enter a Gyoza eating contest if I could find one, and do you remember Tortellini being your favorite pasta when you were a kid? I do.

Anyway Russian Pelmini are, I guess, in the 'family' of dumplings that might either be called pierogi or include pierogi. Basically they are just like pierogi. My friend recently had a bunch of people over and she made Borscht and pelmini, but I got to help with the pelmini and now I can leak Russian secrets to all my readership in the USA. So, here's how you make them lil Russkie goodies:

For the Dough:
Well basically this was an internet recipe affair I think, so the dough was a ratio type thing. I'd say for every one egg, you would need about 2 cups of flour and a half cup of milk and about a quarter cup of water and a tablespoon of salt. Simply combining these in a mixing bowl and kneading until the dough is mixed and elastic is sufficient, but you may want to wisk together the egg, liquid, and salt together first and then gradually knead that into the flour. Then you should have more flour handy to heavily flour a working surface, then roll out the dough (not necessarily all at once) until its like Charmin ultra-strong thin (or thick, rather). Then you can use a coffee mug as like a cookie cutter or at least a form, running a knife around the rim to cut circles out of the dough, which you will fill with...

For the filling:
2/3 pounds or 300 g Ground beef
One medium white onion chopped
One clove of garlic minced
Some parsley dude
Some salt
An egg might be cool, at least I think so.

Anyway mix all that shit up. Then you take your little circle and put less filling in there than you think cuz you'll probably fuck it up. Then fold the dough over and using the the tips of a fork's tines pinch the edges together and you've got a little dough pocket! My friend had this tool for making pelmeni, you can see it in this picture right next to the red bowl. You just sit the dough in there and put some filling in and then fold the thingy and it would make perfect dumplings. I want one. Did I remember you want to set some water to boiling before starting this whole filling business? Whoops. Well, once you have a pot of water finally going, you can just drop these cute puppies right in and when they floatin they done! Enjoy them with Creme Fraiche and Fresh dill, or fresh cream and dill fraiche.

MY DISCERNING BRO

2010-09-30T04:30:00.000-07:00

A recently received email:

Subject:

This is some hokey pokey bullshit i think

Text:

The last review, of little mexico's complimentary salsa: "it all depends on the jalapeños" as if the novelty of inconsistency suddenly became cool? Aren't 8.5's sfogliatelle frozen?

this is a crock of shit list

http://www.richmondmagazine.com/?articleID=d62811bd4829427567f37ce221d5a918

JUNKIE STATUS/ LA MEJOR BEBIDA/ COOL PICTURES/ "Me llevare su recuerdo, Porque a mi tierra me voy/ WHOOPS BUT I'M NOT SORRY

2010-09-24T05:41:00.000-07:00

Aside from the current three-days-and-running warm spell in Berlin it's been pretty autumnal since mid-August. It's THAT SEASON CHANGE when illness abounds as do German leute brazenly blowing their noses in public places, including inches away from my mise en place, and face. However, your boy remains unscathed (and the biggest boss that you've seen) thus far - and I do believe it is because of my new habit, nay, addiction - to the habanero chili. Admittedly I have yet to start eating them whole, but rather in a salsa that I've been less and less cautiously trickling onto my food at work. It's gotten to the point where I need the salsa to feel like I'm tasting what is already a cuisine rich in flavors, esp. from chilies. It's fucked up, I know, but also warding off disease.* Here is a recipe for Salsa de Habanero.

Ingredients
10 Habanero Chilies
1 Carrot
1 Medium Red Onion
1 Tbsp Cider Vinegar
Salt

De-stem the chilies and dry-roast them in a cast-iron pan (hyphens!) until at least 2/3 of the skin is black. Shred the carrot and dry-roast that as well. You can do the same with the onions, after chopping them of course, or you can cook the onion in oil on low heat if you want some sweetness. Blend all the cooked ingredients until pureed , adding vinegar and the salt to taste (though i wouldn't go dipping your index finger one knuckle deep in this stuff and then sucking it off to see if there's enough salt, especially if you are doing that in some savory erotic way looking at someone because when you start coughing and convulsing and hiccuping and blood starts pouring from you ears [jk] the moment will be ruined). Needless to say I would start with extremely parsimonious portions on your tacos, burritos, and pizza.

The chili also has regenerative properties (read: "hangover cure") when mixed with Corona and lime juice. Lately I have been drinking a lot of Micheladas at work. This drink is wonderfully refreshing, and can be enjoyed sin culpa at any time of the day. It's summery, yes, but it does bring warmth as well. Here goes:

Ingredients
1 Corona Cervesa (mucho frio)
Juice of one lime
1/2 teaspoon Habanero Salsa
Ice Cubes
Salt

So firstly salt the rim of your glass, then put like 4 ice cubes in there and add the lime juice and salsa. Then gently pour in the Corona, and enjoy! SO GOOD

You can enjoy these drinks while reading about or even making or just looking at cool pictures of Terrines in this book which rules. The other day I came home to my roommate doing this:
That's deer meat. He made a biggidy bomb-ass terrine with it surrounded by bacon, it was biggidy-bambi-ass bangin'. But seriously the pictures in that book alone are worth the purchase.

In other news I will, after 19 months in Berlin I will be returning to Los Estados Unidos, possibly para siempre. Berlin is tight, yes, but I'm ready to be out this and cook my ass off back home. I will take many memories with me and hopefully a euro-swag that Virginia girls will find exotic.

A recent browsing of the internet's sphincter (Toytown Berlin, the American forum/message board for ex-pats living in Berlin) I found this about Maria Bonita:

Went with a friend. We had Carnitas and a Taco. The food was good, but the place is sad, small and shabby. There was a guy with an american accent taking orders and another with a spanish accent cooking, both were unfriendly and with a little attitude, which is always kinda ridiculous but even more so in a joint like that. Must be all the hype of the wannabe hipsters of the expat community. At €5.50 for small portions, it's definitely overpriced. Definitely not going back. There are better restaurants serving Mexican and South American food in Schoneberg. Do your homework.

Well, I can only assume that I was the one with the "[A]merican accent" and my Mexican friend Dani is the other guy. I can tear this shit apart but just let me say ersatz restaurant reviewers are below the much disparaged class of subhumans known as "youtube commenters." People need to shut the fuck up. And if we were rude to you it's your fault.

*Don't take medical claims made on this blog seriously at all ever you idiot

I CAN DO THE 20

2010-08-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

BLAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA I did it. They gave me two more years to have my way with this bitch this bitch being Berlin. Tight. P 2 USA

PRAY FOR CHURBOI

2010-08-11T04:01:00.000-07:00

I made these burgers ages ago but they were tight. When I was 18 I got my first job in Richmond at Ipanema, a vegetarian restaurant and I would eat the sweet potato fries off the dirty plates. Gutter Daze.

Sweet Potato fries are really easy to make you just peel them shits and cut em up like fries sposeda be lookin and then fry them in hot oil. Just make sure you don't put too many in becuase the oil will freak out and overflow and then you are fucked. Ok so the recipe portion of this "recipe post" is over complete with precautionary clause so it's time to start bitching.

Speaking of fucked I must once more go through the ordeal of getting a visa to continue to live in Germany. Quite frankly I think anyone should be able to live anywhere, basically that's the deal in Europe anyway but as a U.S. citizen I can't just settle down where I want. I guess that's somewhat fair because the U.S. is the most difficult place for anyone else in the world to take up residence. It makes me want to be an immigration lawyer. If this shit goes south I will be BUMMED OUT. My boy Zach is literally getting married to stay in Europe, unfortunately I don't have a wonderful Danish girlfriend to hold me hostage so that's not an option. Of course I have back up plans but they involve moving all of my shit across an ocean. If I do lose my permission to stay I will blame the restaurant at which I work for not taking the necessary steps to guarantee my renewal, in which case I will post every single fucking recipe on this blog. So stay tuned for misery/excellent Mexican recipes.

SNEAKING IN ANOTHER JULY POST

2010-07-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

July went by pretty damn quick, in fact what the fuck is happening to 2010? Does anyone else feel like this shit is just breezing past behind tinted windows while you stand in the rain wishing you were in on it with like 50 blunts and Veuve Clicquot? I think its time to drop a dime on 2010. I guess flashing back to the year 2000 and the couple years preceding really isn't helping, but since I don't have the luxury of Power 92.1 over here, instead of listening to whatever Usher or Plies bull is chosen for me I get to just go on youtube and listen to the rap I love while looking at stupid blurry-ass album covers or just images of whatever artist in whatever attitude. I literally just sit here and look at my computer while listening to 'Holla Holla' because I'm not downloading Ja Rule onto my computer. There should be a Mexican version called "Hola Hola" that's more cheery like most things Mexican, but I suppose the opportunity is long gone. Anyway I made a youtube playlist it starts with the video above, I think you can even just play it through this blog. Whatever yo just peep the July Status while you sip and get high.

SCOTLAND/FRANCE/MR. ZONE 6/BOSS STATUS

2010-07-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

Dunky and a bottle of Bucky

WELL it's over. We ran the race. It was what we thought it would be: pretty fucking exhausting. For someone who isn't from Scotland there were a some inspirational moments,
like running through a stream (in my head I was thinking about Braveheart), and the bagpiper on top of the penultimate hill in full Scottish garb.
The rest of the time in Edinburgh I spent mostly just kickin it with Duncan and his family at their house. I definitely ate Haggis for the first time and thought it was pretty good. I also tried this British drink called "IRN BLU" which was basically like drinking bubble gum (in a bad way). I also drank a lot of whisky, which I am now "into" but not like some prick that's into whisky. At one point I selected a whisky at random at some pub, after which the bar wench warned me "This one's seven pounds a nip." At that point the baller in me just couldn't say no. The whisky pretty much tasted like whisky. Another traditional British beverage I tried was "Buckfast." Which is some sort of fortified wine with caffeine in it that supposedly is brewed by monks. These monks must be on some high-altitude nefarious shit because Buckfast made me get buck, fast. Supposedly I was teasing a couple of big dudes, one of which already had a taped up split eyebrow that may have still been bleeding. After being steered away from that trouble I urinated on a taxi and of course the driver is standing right there and wants me to give him money to get his taxi washed to which I was just basically like "nah, doo." But it's a good thing I had friends around. Then we went to somesort of club/cave and there was weird 21st century music playing that made us all dance and sort of divide the floor into those feeling our vibe and those who wanted us dead. At some point a complete stranger brought me water.

Paris was cool; they actually like rap after the year 2000, unlike Germany. Walking into a store and hearing "Turn my Swag on" was a trip. I saw Pharrel. I ate five eclairs in as many days. Don't ever go to Versailles. It is one of the worst places in the world, I'm convinced. Imagine throngs of bebackpacked tourists navigating Tokyo-subway-like overcrowded hallways all while staring at the ceiling. I saw a dude eat shit on a Segway though, that was kind of cool.

Whoaaa this album is so good. Start-to-finish a fun listen with so much swag going on just listening to it makes me feel a bit more "yeeeeeahhhhhhhhhhhhh." Cool and creepy Drumma Boy beats but just carried with Gucci rapping about how he is the shit. "Mr. Zone 6" is my favorite song on it for now, becuase the second verse he keeps saying "call me Mr. Zone 6" and it's like not really even rapping, and it sounds like he's like rapping in his sleep with his head on the (Gucci) pillow, but it's sort of a build-up to the end where he says "Rose keep poppin / rose colored rolls royce / actin like she don't notice /no, she SEE ME FLOSSIN" as if awakening from some sort of awesome nightmare.
It just comes off hard as fuck at the end.

In other news related to myself and my job I have finally been announced as Da Boss. That's pretty tight considering I was the dishwasher less than a year ago. I still make the same money and am working 75 hours a week but surprisingly so much anxiety has been relieved, prolly cuz I'm doing everything.

WHO'S COMIN WIT DA SHIT NA

2010-06-05T01:42:00.001-07:00

If it ain't Psycho it's Juju

"STONER" FOOOD

2010-05-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

High Times call for Desperate Measures

If you made it through the (totally needless) three pages of the New York Time's article about "marijuana fuel[ing] a new kitchen culture" (seriously?) and didn't know from the first sentence that you were going to use it as yet another opportunity to inveigh against the idiotic waste of time (and occasionally paper) of the Dining & Wine Section then I commend your patience, unless you were one of the dullards that decided to email this article to a friend sending it into the top ten emailed list, then...fuck you. If you made it through the first sentence of this blog post then I commend your patience doubly! Really, are these guys serious? Maybe instead of throwing money at D&W to put out this innocuous drivel they can FIRE EVERYONE in that dept. and give it to the newsroom, or better yet to charity.

The foundation of this article is seemingly a five minute conversation with Anthony Bourdain
about smoking marijuana and David Chang. Bourdain makes a Bourdain-ish exaggeration - "everybody smokes dope after work" - and you've got the cover article for D&W. Naturally the article is cautious; peppered with disclaimers and assurances that not all chefs need to smoke weed and potheads aren't cooking your $40 east-village Ny Strip. I mean, this article, for lack of better a better word, is re-fucking-tarded. Don't read it.

I watched an episode of the "Munchies" web-Tv show featuring David Chang, mentioned in the NYT article. Equally uninformative, the episode shows DC and Peter Meehan (he used to write the $25 and Under restaurant reviews for the NYT) and some assistant cavorting about, high or not I really don't know, eating some chicken and then just going to one of the Momofuku restaurants. Chang gets drunk and acts like a jock, which was mildly disheartening for me...then again, he does write for Esquire.

Is this really where interest in food is heading, now that anyone who watches or reads this shit can think themselves a foodie? I really think people just don't even know what they like or want anymore, with what they read about food but also seemingly what they put in their mouths. This take-a-picture-of-whatever-I-eat-and-show-my-friends-how-adventurous/cultured/albeit-cool I am and put it on facebook shit just needs to roll the fuck on. Fuck you and fuck your food blog. More to come after my breathing exercise.

EVEN TOUGH GUYS GET DUCK-TAPED AND HOG TIED

2010-05-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

Recently some European woman was making chit chat with me out somewhere, and I guess one of her go-to English flirt questions she asked me was "What kind of music do you listen to?" Instead of replying "Actually you should ask 'To what kind of music do you listen?'" I just said, "rap" and I guess that made her think that was indeed all the music I like, but I guess these days she wouldn't have been that far off. I listen to a lot of rap, I mean I've listened to rap since whenever "Regulators" was getting regular play on MTV, but currently it pretty much is all I listen to (all to which I listen). I've been working my ass off lately, and listening to rap is all I can do to not lose my fucking mind. Since it's mostly about how working your ass off all the time is gangster as fuck and how if you do work hard and make it you can basically be a tight motherfucking pimp. Delusions of grandeur notwithstanding (Mafia Dons Only) it's better than thinking I'm going to work for someone else for the rest of my life.

Recently this chef who really is just a badass came into where I work to eat tacos before he goes to his restaurant and serves Halibut with sweetbreads and we got to chit chatting. He asked me how many days a week I work and I was all like "Seven motherfucker" in my head but I just said "seven" to which he got all avuncular and told me about how I shouldn't work so much, how I should eat out more and try to have a good time. He said no matter how "hard" I think I am (English is not his first language, but surprisingly perceptive) I will fuck myself up working too much. To back all this up he even went so far as to tell me about his nervous breakdown, which was not really so much an effective deterrent because hey man, I'm not fucking crazy - but it made me think about how I basically just work all the time and sleep when I can, and how that is kind of a bummer, dude. And while it's cool to envision myself as a tight motherfucking pimp lounging between two pillars of ivory I should probably do more shit to justify my existence other than listening to rap on the way to, at, and on the way back from work. So here is some of the shit I do, and you should too if you grind hard.

1. BALL OUT

"Woke up in the morning, fuck it, bought a yellow Aston Martin"

You work a lot, but all your friends loaf about all day eating crackers in bed and then just sweep the crumbs onto the floor, cuz hey, they don't really worry about shit. But don't hate - just step your game up, i.e. buy shit. You work a lot, you make loot. Doing something tight with it is definitely tight. Capricious purchases are the best - being able to say to yourself (out loud, as I do) "Fuck it I'll make this money back in three days" feels great. Buy drinks for your homies, buy your girl something tight (sigh), buy fresh blueberries, whatever. Stimulate the global economy, shine for no apparent reason.

2. Drugs

8:30....AM

Actually don't do drugs.

3. Exercise and healthy bullshit

It might seem fucked up to demand of your body that it run 5 miles after making it stand on its feet for 8-10 hours using weird muscles so as not to slip on the wet kitchen floor. It is fucked up, and your body will get pissed at first. But exercise is actually really enjoyable, mostly for expelling pent up mental energy, albeit anguish, from your domepiece. Instead of coming home and just feeling shitty about work and just mentally masturbating on the internet or actually masturbating you can now have something to do, and upon finishing that you instead come home with some pride still intact and ready to focus on other shit. It also helps to justify eating two quesadillas and one burrito in a span of 5 hours or so.

4. Blog like everyone else

Hard at work

WHERE AT WHERE AT

2010-04-28T03:04:00.000-07:00

WE BEEN LIVIN IN THE DARK SINCE APRIL

2010-04-25T02:19:00.000-07:00

George Foreman made it all the way to Berlin

Well the gas got cut off at my house, which has timed up pretty well with my 7-day work week and a dip in temperatures. Luckily there's a shower at Maria Bonita's office, which only adds to the mildly depressing feeling that I live at work. Also recently DFS and I got stoned and started looking at pictures of these hills that we would be running over when we go to Edinburgh in June to do the Seven Hills Race, and that was terrifying; it sort of inspired us to get our act together and cut out booze for at least a little while. So basically we just kick it at home in the kitchen talking about running and our coworkers...and eat. But like, we have not hot water or gas for the stove, so I at least have a renewed love of electrical cooking appliances - the electric kettle, the toaster, the microwave, and of course, the George Foreman Grill.

Mostly it's just been bread and spread(s), we did make hot chocolate in the microwave, but last night was a true treat: gorgonzola and bacon toasties with jam. A "toasty" is the British word for "grilled sandwich." That shit was bangin, if only we had some pears or something we could have gotten real high-class. We were just high, though, so the food tasted good enough! I will keep you all updated on what kind of ill shit we are making with limited wares.

Dead Prez - Hell Yeah Uncensored
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DOUGH IS WHAT I GOT (FT. DFS)

2010-04-14T23:19:00.000-07:00

DFS, the Quiche, some dish soap

For some reason, even at the height of my illustrious baking career at Cafe CK, pie crust always scared me. I had wanted to make quiches and even maybe a rhubarb peach pie or two with the lattice crust on top, but my ambitions were stunted by my own lack of confidence. I may have been just lazy - all this talk of making it in a cold room, needing a rolling pin (we didn't have one), and the needlessly perpetuated myth that you must have a $300 dollar Kitchen-aid standing mixer to make anything other than an omelet - or just too easily daunted, but last night I got over it quick and managed to make a pretty banging quiche from scratch with my boy Duncan from Scotland.

It was Duncan's one year anniversary of moving to Berlin, so we smoked a blunt. Then we got hungry, and he decided we should make a quiche. After laying out all the stuff on the counter and then standing there and staring at it for way too long, we realized we didn't need to go to the grocery store at all. Except we did anyway to turn in some bottles for money and buy chocolate-covered raisins and a German gossip magazine. But that was after making the pie dough, which was pretty easy - just rubbing butter into flour, dissolving a pinch of salt in some cold water and just barely mixing that with the flour/butter mix. We had to kill some time while the dough rested in the refrigerator - which involved the aforementioned grocery shop shenanigans and a beer on the stoop, and the "I'm too hungry to wait" ten-pieces of fried chicken. But eventually the dough felt like it was ready (???), so I managed to use my old pizza making techniques to press out the dough rather than roll it out (again, no rolling pin). Then I got to do what I had anticipated would be my favorite part, that is putting the dough in the pan, pressing it with baking paper and putting beans in the well to hold the form. It was all I could have asked for, although Duncan seemed to tense up a bit when I put the beans in the pie. So that went in the oven for about ten minutes, and after some urging Duncan made the filling. Obviously there were eggs, but he didn't make it so the quiche would be really eggy, more like half eggs half everything else, everything else being grilled onions, spinach, ricotta cheese, and a nice coat of grated Parmesan on top. The whole bitch went in the oven at about 350, and about twenty minutes later it came out lookin right, and, after some cooling, tastin right. Another success story from Chopped n Stewed. Jouyeux anniversaire D.

PIE DOUGH RATIO YO
100% Flour (preferably pastry flour, but you can use regular flour but add a little more fat if you do)
70% Butter (cold!)
30% Cold Water
some salt

First rub the butter into the flour, into pea-size bits for flaky pie crust

FONDUE + FOOTBALL (I MEAN SOCCER)

2010-04-08T01:31:00.000-07:00

I gotta say, Fondue is pretty fucking easy to make. What was more difficult last night, although equally rewarding, was moving my roommate Nadja's big-ass television into the kitchen so we could watch a "football match" (soccer game), namely Manchester United vs. Bayern Muenchen. It was a fondue and fuessball night at 195 torstrasse, and the game was exciting enough to keep everyone from slipping into the classic cheese induced comatose where you can really only say things like "fuck," "fuck me," or even "fuuuuuuuuck." With the World Cup approaching, all my (three or four) readers back in the States should take heed and make the effort to enjoy at least one good game with a fondue pot going.

So Nadja bought this fondue set at a flea market here in Berlin and brought it home and then just left it out on the kitchen table, probably wishing that one day she would come home and it would be filled with melted cheese. That's actually kind of what happened (you should have seen the smile on her face) as a series of fortuitous events brought about a pretty special fondue. There's this dude temporarily living in our apt. now named Duncan from Scotland. Duncan from Scotland saw the fondue pot in disarray on the kitchen table, and I guess this image stuck with him when he went to the Austrian alps with a friend from London, because they returned bearing cheese, and lots of it. I think they must have brought back almost three pounds of Austrian mountain cheese (Bergkaese) and that shit stunk to high heaven.

Anyway first we had some soup and watched the first half, Manchester scored two goals in the first ten minutes, which as you should know is shitty because Man U sucks balls. Things looked desperate. But at the half the fondue was made (it really takes like 2 minutes aside from grating all that cheese) and relieved at least a portion of the woe. It was rich, but this helped a lot with pacing yourself and being patient, part of what enjoying the act of playing and really watching soccer is all about. I think it actually took us almost the full 45 minutes of the second half to eat it all. There were plenty of thrills then too: an ejection, Man U playing with only 10 dudes, and three more goals. It was a pretty perfect chill just-gonna-watch-the-game and eat Wednesday night. My kitchen reeked of cheese the next morning though and now there's just a big unplugged tv sitting in the middle of the floor.

RECIPE N SHIET (for like 6-8 people)

A bottle of white wine, cheap and dry

About two pounds of various cheeses that are stanky. I guess we got a variety of
Bergkaeses along with a little Raclette, though Gruyere should be easy to get anywhere
of course, obviously Swiss Cheeses are classic. You could use white cheddar too.

Like two tablespoons of cornstarch dude

Some Schnapps of some sort (we used Brennivin) but this is like, optional doe

Salt and Pepper

A lil garlic

OK SO easy money, for real. First grate all the cheese, and mix it in a bowl with the cornstarch. Just get a nice pot with a thick bottom and rub a cut garlic clove on the inside of it like some sort of weird voodoo ritual. Then mince the garlic and drop it into the pot which can be at about high heat right now. Then I would say pour in about two cups of the wine, and when it starts to simmer, lower the heat to about medium and start adding cheese by the fistful while constantly stirring, letting the cheese melt completely before adding more, then just keep this up, if you need to you can slowly add more wine but you mustn't forget keep stirring. Once everythang is silky smooth you can add a couple tablespoons of schnapps if you got it, then season it with salt and pepper and pour it in that cute little pot with the tiny sterno flame underneath. If you know you are making this a couple days in advance, buy some baguette bread and leave it out to get dry and crunchy, ideally breaking it up already into bit size-ish bits. Also grab some salami to go with the bread and blanch some broccoli and cauliflower florets for dipping as well. Just chill and watch the game!

EVERYONE'S CRAZY

2010-02-27T03:25:00.001-08:00

Violent Cop was a good movie, I'm glad I surmounted all the obstacles that had stood in the way to watching it. First I had to go to the video store and get over my fear of dealing with anything German and official, i.e. getting a membership. Then I had to find a movie that had English subtitles, as most of the features in the "Asiatische Cinema" are in the original language with subtitles auf Deutsch. I rented Violent Cop and brought it home only to discover that my CD/DVD rom in my computer is having some serious issues and I can't watch DVDs on it. So I had to ask my roommate if I could watch it in his room, whatever. Finally I sit down to see this movie, and the subtitle track is horrendously incomplete. I can barely surmise what's going on, and what's more, the first half an hour or of the movie is more dialogue-ish then violent-cop-ish. So I was just about ready to turn it off when something really cool happens in the movie: Takeshi "Beat" Kitano is in a car with his partner, they've just run down a suspect that hit one of their cop buddies in the head with a baseball bat (cool gore) and Beat's partner thinks that they've killed the guy with their car, and is kind of pissed at Beat, concerned he's just gone all excessive force on this dude. Then Kitano grab's his partner's head and pulls him down as the criminal pops up with the bat and smashes the passenger side window. It's a shock similar to the scene in Godfather Part II when they try to assassinate
Michael Corleone. Anyhoozer from here on out the movie gets really good, the cinematography
really finds its footing, and I felt like even the subtitles improved. To think I was about to give up on this movie! There's a lot of "don't give up" going on in the film - it's full of awkwardly long cuts where Kitano is in some sort of willpower stand-off with his opponent whomever they may be, but the fact that it made me mildly uncomfortable was pleasing, if even the desired effect. The end of the film is so brutal it's kind of hard to see coming, if you make it that far it will be well worth your while. See it.

36 HOURS: RICHMOND, VIRGINIA (that makes you actually want to visit)

2010-02-14T11:55:00.000-08:00

The New York Times' travel article about a weekend in Richmond reads like some sort of CRUEL JOKE in a plot laid against this southern capitol by the Elitist Yankees to deprive the recuperating city of needed tourist income. The poorly composed headline image just screams "REDNECK TOWN" with a woman in a sundress holding a nearly naked baby that I guess people on the upper-west side are supposed to assume is illegitimate and chuckle to themselves before they move on the the Book Review. If they do decide to milk the shit for every laugh they could actually read it and its enticing itinerary: pay someone to let help you climb a tree? Anime, "funky" ballgowns, and local t-shirt designs? SANDWICHES? COME ON! Reading this managed to even cloud over my memories of the rope-swing, running full court in Randolph, and finding that Assuck record for two dollars at Plan Nine. I was totally like, "Fuck that place, fuck that place forever."

But I went back anyway when I returned to the USA for a few weeks, spending about ten days in Richiemond, and I remembered that Richmond is the shit. But maybe I can do a better job of making you want to go than the NYT, and I'll even do it for free. I mean this is basically just what I would do, so, whatever.

FRIDAY 5 PM
If the sun is still shining, I would just immediately go to the North Bank of the James River. If you access this by way of Oregon Hill, stop by 805 China and grab Charlie if he isn't already running amok in the hood getting pepper-sprayed by the mailman. Then walk-down to the O Hill James River overlook and behold the majesty of the less than roaring but altogether chill sounding James. This is a tight spot to contemplate life's mysteries or be on acid when there is a lightning storm across the river. From hear you can go across the Lee bridge to the Buttermilk Trail on the south bank, or cross the suspended pedestrian bridge to Belle Isle and see some lazy sunbathers and tru freeqs. My favorite is to just stay on the north bank and take that trail to Texas Beach and back, but be mindful that TB is a Richmond cruising spot (like, cruising for dick).

I GUESS LIKE A COUPLE HOURS OR SO LATER?
GO to MAMA'S KITCHEN for dinner. I truly love this restaurant and everything served there, I guess expect like, Mountain Dew. Mama's is essentially a two-person operation, there's Mama - a REAL Korean mother - and her husband who I just call Mama's husband. So needless to say the food has consistency going for it, as it's just them working everyday lunch and dinner, and its consistently BANGIN. I'm not going to suggest anything because everything is seriously so good.

WHEN U DUN
I guess just buy some PBR and kick it with some homies at the spot. In summer, Richmond has mad front porches that provide a nice public/private interaction interface, plus you can just piss on the fence. I would say pump 92.1, but it won't never be like it used to, so just browse b/n that and 106.5 the BEAT.

POSSIBLY NEXT
Hit a house party, try to get them to bump JAMZ until it gets busted.

SATURDAY

WHEN U GET UP
If you are just around for the weekend this would be the time to go to Tarrant's Cafe - Saturday around noon. At this point you can order off the entire menu, which is already so abundant it will have you wondering if you got the right thing until you take the first bite of your food, PLUS the lunch specials, PLUS the brunch menu. Any anxieties about your order will be relieved when you start eating and realize Tarrant's does it right, everything tastes great and the portion sizes could even send you home with a mid-afternoon snack. Any other anxieties can be relieved by sprinkling klonopin on your food.

AFTER DAT
Now would be a good time to do what Richmond facilitates best: loaf about on a bicycle. Richmond is flat for the most part, has decent infrastructure and semi-interesting but not too gripping destinations mottled throughout. You can get all Situationist International with it and let the city itself guide your derive, but do try and hit the portion of Riverside Drive between The Lee and Nickle Bridges (BLOW THAT TOLL).

OH OK
Grab some coffee, honestly your best bet is Starbucks.

OH WER?
Maybe there is a VCU basketball game, go see it, go Rams!

BUT LIKE
If you are just hungry, I would hit Croaker's Spot, probably the coolest restaurant in Richmond, I think. Straight up soul-food, great fried trout and without a doubt the best cornbread of all time ever. Cool cocktails too - order a WALA and see what happens. Two Street and Leigh.

YOU BUZZED NAH
So get in your car and drive to the spot, again. Sip a little, then maybe hit a bar. I guess will say I used to like Ipanema a lot, the vibe is a little different now but the ambiance is still alright. Cous-cous I like a lot, you can basically jump between these two for the night. For a slightly more grimy vibe you can hit Helen's. After you are drunk and shit you should definitely hit Aladin's, the dope falafel spot open til like 4 am. CASH ONLY SUCKA.

DAMN Y'ALL
Sunday morning, uhhh shit man just get an Egg Mcmuffin, be sure to litter with the wrapper before you get to 95 and tip the fuck out.

Accomodations:
Best to have an ex-girlfriend you are on good terms with, but if not just start talking to BROS and they will put you up or get your swag and aura up so you don't have to lay lonely.

I do miss Richmond.

RAMEN HOW TO 2

2010-02-13T07:56:00.000-08:00

MY NEW YEARS LIST - THE 5 BEST RAP SONGS OF ALL TIME

2010-01-03T11:03:00.000-08:00

Ok - The title may be better read as "My favorite rap songs of all time" but why do people start blogs if not to be authoritative? Heeeere we gooo (these may or may not be in order):

1. 'Big Pimpin' - Ok, probably just the tightest rap song of all time. I remember the first time I heard it riding around in this dude Jesse's car smoking a blunt - he had just turned off 'Thong Song' and put in Vol. 3. This beat hit and I basically lost it. This was before it was a radio hit, and I remember saying, "this will be the next hit off this album" and getting really excited. It was; I don't know why they fucked with it for the video. I loved this song so much I played it for my fucking DAD who was at that time pumping Peter Gabriel - anyway he was kind enough to humor me and explain that Ozone "popping" is a natural phenomenon. Timbaland is the shit, UGK is the shit, Jay-Z was tight at this time. "If I wasn't rappin baby/I would still be ridin' Mercedes."

2. 'Back that Thang Up' - In this case I prefer the radio version, because of Manny Fresh's "...brbrbrbrbrbrbrbr drumma chick" line, also Lil Wayne's wobidy wobidy shit. This was when I first realized it's kind of tight when there's alot of high-hat fuckinnnnn...64th notes or whatever - do't forget the handclaps. While 'Ha' has like, the tightest video, BTAU has a nice little Cash-Money-Posse-Portion.

3. 'What's your Fantasy?' - Ummmmm, holy shit - Ludacris at his best - hilarious lyrics with a mildly musical flow approaching sex with the right mix of ruggedness "tag team off the RRRROPE!" and levity "tryna make a brother beg for it/gimme TLC cuz you know I be too proud." Basically every couplet from this song belongs in fucking Bartlet's. Also a hotter than hot beat from Bangladesh, this song belongs on every mixtape/cd/playlist you make for a special female in your life.

4. 'Hoody Hoo' - Well, first let me say this is the 'TRU' song, and not the (also great) OutKast song from Southernplayalisticcadillacmusic. I just love this song because it's got a bangin' beat that comes in hard as fuck, which is reinforced by the 'TRU' screaming at you almost the whole time - but hey it's a No Limit thang.

5. 'Gimme the Loot' - Biggie's best, hard as shit but almost funny "...and the #1 mom pendant!"

Big up, big up, it's a stick up, stick up
and I'm shooting niggaz quick if you hiccup
Don't let me fill my clip up in your back and head piece
The opposite of peace sending Mom Duke a wreath
You're talking to the robbery expert
Stepping to your wake with your blood on my shirt
Don't be a jerk and get smoked over being resistant
'cos when I lick shots the shits is persistent
Huh, goodness gracious the papers
Where the cash at? Where the stash at?
Nigga, pass that before you get your grave dug
from the main thug, .357 slug
And my nigga Biggie got an itchy one grip
One in the chamber, 32 in the clip
Motherfuckers better strip, yeah nigga peel
before you find out how blue steel feel
from the Beretta, putting all the holes in your sweater
The money getter motherfuckers don't have better
Rolex watches and colourful Swatches
I'm digging in pockets, motherfuckers can't stop it
Man, niggaz come through I'm taking high school rings too
Bitches get strangled for they earrings and bangles
and when I rock her and drop her I'm taking her door knockers
And if she's resistant "baka! baka! baka!"
So go get your man bitch he can get robbed too
Tell him Biggie took it, what the fuck he gonna do?
I hope apologetic or I'm a have to set it
and if I set it the cocksucker won't forget it

It's a lot of runners up, if I went further there would be shit on there a tad esoteric for a bold claim like best of all time. go listen and cook something.

Hungry Happy Sleepy

2009-11-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

This is my first post after having turned 25 years old. What have I been doing with my life up to this quarter-century anniversary? Hmmm. I was Born, I masturbated listening to "Doin' It" by LL Cool J (only during the girl parts), I went to College and then I moved to Berlin. I'm sure there were a few other things along the way, but there has been one steadfast companion throughout:
when times get rough the other set of footprints in the sand are gone because I am lighting that joint with feet and smoking it.

There are people in the world that love smoking weed so much that they will take time out of
their lives to make things like this video and I thank god for it. This is one of the best weed songs ever, I remember it being the opening credits song for "How High" (the best weed movie ever, sorry Dave Chappelle). But anyway Kirby hits a bong (and you know he can hit a bong) and gets all dazed and does his flying around shit while listening to Cypress Hill? And that weed-leaf cross-fade? FAR-OUT. Kirby was a tight game.

Some knowledge and Wisdom from Katt.

This might be the best weed inspired youtube clip of all time, but mostly becuase of the comments. This video is just two images from "Leprechaun in the Hood 2" oh wait..."Leprechaun 6 Back to the Hood," switching back and forth with what appears to be every fade effect from iMovie. Apparently more than 95,000 people have watched this video, and even a few commented. Here are the highlights:

i would make friends with that leprechaun if he didnt fuckin kill everybody

leprechaun smokin a bong

Ha mah nigga smoking ta krayzie bone! See mah bio lepercon straight out the hood East cleveland est 99

daum ese me and dat lepercon would get along shit sens he kills shit ill make him kill my fucken hook up so i dont gotta pay

My favorite, probably the number one most spoken phrase when high:

This is tight.

WAH DO DEM

2009-10-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

Bong Bong Biddy Bing Bing Hooooiiiinnnnnnnnggggggg

What is getting me through the days lately? I'm stoked on very few things right now, which makes for an infrequently updated blog. Worth a raised eyebrow, however:

This balloon hoax, very reminiscent of a classic Simpson's episode, except this family is about ten times more stupid and you will be too if you continue to watch CNN and not The Simpsons.

Ah, my old friend the New York Times and their travel guide to another old friend Richmond, Virginia. How do they write these 36 hour guides? It reads like another case of outsourced journalism: perhaps someone in Indonesia simply read one edition of Richmond Magazine, or just spent 36 minutes on the phone with a Richmond 30-something that has probably lived there for about two months. Granted, it would be difficult to paint a pretty picture of the place, but Quirk Gallery? Kuba Kuba? The culinary joke that is The Black Sheep? AND SINCE WHEN do "floppy-haired musicians, to gay hipsters with pierced eyebrows, to mothers from the West End suburbs pushing strollers" express an eclectic spectrum of shoppers? Better read: "A city full of lazy dumbasses." BAH WHY BOTHER OH LOOK ANOTHER FUCKING OP-ED FROM BONO

Three part Gucci mane mixtape "The Cold War." "Guccimerica," "Brrrussia," and "Brrritain." These are coming out so quick THEY ARE NOT PROPERLY MIXED. Why is Gucci so loud (fuzzy) and Drake so quiet on what is otherwise a hot track, "Street Cred"??? (which Killer Mike BEASTS btw). I also like the covers: Guccimerica he looks pretty thuggin throwin up the sets, then for Russia he seems sad about something, and acutally pulls of a pretty good Russian euro-trash look. BUT THEN on Great BRrrrrritain it looks like Dj Scream is holding Gucci up on some weekend at Bernie's type shit.

Brussels Sprouts back in stores.

ICELAND

2009-09-19T10:03:00.001-07:00

jarðhiti

I would have to say that my #1 hobby - before eating, sleeping, and masturbation - is blowing money; like, large amounts of money. Stacking money is great, opening up the butter thingy in the refrigerator door to see that grip of literally cold hard cash and just counting it for fun is very satisfying and therapeutic, but even better is just taking half of it and spending it on a whim. While my penchant for capricious spending has at times landed me in all sorts of trouble and ensuing broke-ass depression, it has also provided me with some of the most enriching and just plain TIGHT experiences of my life, and my most recent rainbow expenditure proved to be nothing less - I spent a lot of euros on a plane ticket to Iceland, and had an ARCTIC BLAST.

Iceland is a really, really beautiful place. I would like to die there, if such things were easy to plan, because I would feel fine about it surrounded by mountains and clean (double clean) air. I would also maybe even believe in my old (hopefully) age and likely senility that I would end up at the Gates of Valhalla or just all up in some glacier-obscuring fog playing chess with Bobby Fischer and Varg Vikernes (I guess I'd be playing black). In my old age I would eat the finest meat in the world - sheep, fowl, and fish are all just loafing around in nature as god intended and taste accordingly. Also pure are the streams and creeks floating down from the glaciers so I just drank from them free of Giardia concerrrrrnnsss. I would read sagas on a beach with black sand (I hope you just thought about Ludacris and not Vikings) looking at some bleak but awesome huge waves. And when I feel death truly knocking, I can just wander out into the wilderness as I please, becuase outside of the cities there really is no private property at all, something I am completely unused to but 1000% captures how I feel the world should be.

But for now I am still very much a young man in spirit, so onto other matters and thangs that make me want to return to Iceland ASAFP. The food is good if you know where to go, which my tour guide apparently had on lock. First off they have a lot of cool American products in the grocery stores, making the grocery store more of the familiar experience that it should be. The bakeries also have much tighter bread than Germany and the pastries were really good, especiall y the DONUTS, called "American Donuts."

Restaurants are also pretty cool, you can enjoy endless coffee and water (this doesn't happen elsewhere in Europe). We went to this Thai place that was really good, although when I ordered "Jungle Curry" (how could I not?) the OWNER of the restaurant told me he did not recommend it and that I should order something else. Naturally this only encouraged me, and it really didn't turn out to be too spicy, actually quite delicious! Otherwise I ate at Nonnabitti - finally a real sub! And at this hot-dog place twice, which famously served Bill Clinton (serving him a hot dog, not serving flesh of the ex-president). I really liked all the food, I miss that aspect a lot actually.

The weekend night shit is on a whole other level. I guess you just do the Berlin-style shit where you know the bars are open til 6am so you hang at someone's crib sippin' until like 2 or 3 then just hit up a spot, except the spot in Reykjavik is THE SPOT. There's just like one main street/intersection of bars on some Bourbon Street chaos status up in that: people running around, shouting, ambulances, vomiting, breaking glass - it was bedlam! But once inside it was pretty chill but the ceiling was kind of low, yo. But I got pretty wasted.

Otherwise I swam in this secluded pool heated by the earth, went all behind some big-ass waterfall and saw like 3 or 4 rainbows, whatever. Naw on the real I gotta say Iceland is on some
truly mystical scenery, I loved it and I want to go back!

WHERE I WORK NOW

2009-09-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

MARIA BONITA

Recently my friend Cory told me about this new place on Danziger Strasse where they were serving authentic Mexican food, listening to reggaeton, and giving out free tequila. Oh, ok.

I went to this place three times in one week, the food was just leaps and bounds beyond most anything I had eaten in Berlin, especially for the price. MB keeps it real on the price tip as well, most of the shit there costs 4-6 euros.

Anyway without getting conflict of interest here, after all you should by now trust my opinions as far as restaurants go, I got a job here and it is a really nice change. The guys I work for are really cool, basically my age, and pay a fair wage. If you find yourself in the B stop by and say what's up! The beer is actually cold!

FLOCKA

2009-08-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

Hard in the paint

I know it's been a while since my last post and now I'm dropping back in after so long to write
about my current favorite rapper and not food or cooking but that's a really long story, I'll get to it. Now I just feel the need to rep for this dude, Waka Flocka a.k.a. Waka Flocka Flame. I think the first jam I heard from WF was "I Work Hard" which I featured in a previous blog post. What I didn't mention then was that one night I accidentally fell asleep with this song playing in my headphones on repeat (also accidental) and listened to it like 86 times in an unconscious state. More recently, I was stuck on this one jam called "Hard in the Paint" which turned the lyric "I go hard in the muthafuckin paint" into a new mantra for me and my roommate at work. Then I just two days ago copped "Bodybag" from Muzikfene which has basically been on repeat in my brain and on itunes.

Waka Flocka really isn't even that good of a lyricist, and unfortunately he has often gotten stuck with the chaff of Zaytoven's occasionally just-plain-shitty-in-every-regard beats. What's really gripping and to me enamoring about dude is just how fucking real he keeps it. Firstly, all of his songs are basically about his commitment to his lifestyle and even more so his squad - primarily his cousin Radric Davis a.k.a. Gucci Mane. He sort of plays the Hell Rell to Gucci's Cam'ron - that motherfucker that you can tell would probably take 25 to life or a bullet for the more popular rapper that made him (although those days may be over for Rell and Cam). His love for Gucci is consummate, when asked where he got his ridiculous rap moniker, his reply is just, "Gucci's crazy ass." His song titles include shit like "Work Hard," "I go hard," "I go hard in the Paint," and "Blunt Music," which while one might assume is about smoking blunts is actually just about the style of his lyricism: "This ain't metaphor or punchline music/This is real talk I'm talkin' straight blunt music." Holy Shit! I think that's really cool.

Flocka also likes to put other things simply: his commitment, (from "Go hard..") "What I stand for - BRICK SQUAD/Im'a die for this shit man I swear to god," his mentality: "All I know is smoke weed, rob, steal and sell dope/Roll dice, get money and gang bang with my folk" and his aversion to snitching: "Police hit the scene, but don't say shit, they gon ask you, what happened? who got shot? who done fired shots? reply back 'I aint seen JACK SHIT, I ain't sayin SHIT, I ain't no SNITCH" Hard as nails, man. But i mean basically all his music is in this vein, the dude is just a fucking straight-up soldier. All his ad-libs are either him screaming his name, one of his boys' names, or assorted gun sounds. He wears a lot of red. Tatted as fuck.

My only hope is that dude doesn't go the way of some other rappers by getting big and basically weak. I see Gucci going this way soon, we all saw what the fuck happened to Lil wayne, but even dudes like Yo Gotti seem to be softening up because of making money rapping and not having to trap anymore, or even devote that much time to their music. Jeezy was tight when he was rapping about trapping, he was actually still aight when he was rapping about how all that trapping got him rich and he got to buy cool shit and you can too, but now it's just one some puh-lease type shit where he's rich and lazy. There's hope obviously, Hell Rell isn't really hugely successful comparatively but also pretty fucking successful, comparatively. But he keeps it real, grimy, and hard as fuck. Hopefully Waka can do the same without actually having to take a serious charge for Gucci or something worse.

I'll post some music in a sec.

TWEET AND SOUR SAUCE

2009-08-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

I started a twitter for all you suckas.

Definitely for personal consumption.

Just had a visitor so I been busy, also got a new job, more on alladat soon.

FOR THE WANING SUMMER

2009-07-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

WHAT ELSE?

"NEXT SHOW AUSKRALIA"

FRITITTY

2009-07-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

EHGS

Did you forget this was a food blog? Well I heard on streaming NPR (all the way in Berlin, 21st Century BLAOW) that so-called "Mommy-blogs" are apparently undergoing a serious ethical crisis: these popular blogs about things like "Wiping Butts - Up or Down?" and "Postpartem - Should I Kill my Baby?" also are reviewing products, products they get for FREE and all sorts of other sponsorships ($$$$$$). And surprise - the moms are mostly giving positive reviews without disclosing their payola! What will the Blogoshpere do? Call the FTC! Well, I want my piece of the pie, because I probably baked it. I'm gonna get back on the grind hoping that somewhere out there someone has money they don't know what to do with so I can have some and not really work. Like most writers!

So, I've been exercising more than usual lately which has increased my appetite and desire for PROTEIN. I find protein shakes and bars UTTERLY DISGUSTING, much like people with a lot of muscles. But I like cooking eggs, and occasionally eating them, so I've been on this personal frittata tip, witta lotta veggies thrown in the mix. Yes, if you are wondering, I'm lifting this straight off Mark Bittman. B-b-b-b-but my shit's on poor man status, so it's like, different, dude.

So, this is really easy! Just crack and beat up a couple eggs, and set aside. Then chop up a lil white onion, and chunk up about half an average sized zuchinni. Over medium-high heat, sautee the onion and zuch in olive oil. When they are tender (to your satisfaction, of course) add about 1/2 tablespoon of butter, and once thats doing that thing where its all FSHHHHHH and bubblin lower the heat to medium-low and add the egg. Let that shit CHEEL for a couple minutes, and then throw it in the oven for about 5 minutes. OR you can get cocky and flip it, but if you use something like, brocolli, be prepared for something less than pristine looking, although just as good tasting.

GUCCILARITY

2009-07-26T04:09:00.000-07:00

ONLY IN BERLIN

2009-07-25T04:14:00.000-07:00

DAMN

"...staying at his girlfriend's mother's house.."

DOUBLE DAMN

" -and it's good for the girls."

WUT???

YOU DUNCE

2009-07-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

"Prostitutes tonight!"

Bobby Flay. I find this guy to be a bit of a jackass: a consummate cocksucker; a food-hack even. I never really liked the food network, and saw Bobby Flay as the embodiment of what was totally wrong about a TV station about food. You really ought to either cook or eat (even better, one then the other) to learn about and experience food. But here's this youngish man of good looks, an American blend of NY Irish Attitude but also the equally annoying cock-sureness of the Southern Creole/Cajun cuisine that is his specialty. This is that guy in the bar - the drunk, churlish show-off who seems to always have his finger in someone's chest regaling all around with one-upmanship.

So now, Bobby is doing this thing with Hellmann's mayonnaise where he is building for "random" people the "Perfect Sandwich" for whatever occasion they might have in mind. Naturally all these sandwiches will involve goo-gobs of Hellmann's mayo and a whole lot of Middle-American dolts watching and drooling (whether or not from hunger I cannot say). The people he chooses from the audience are obviously actors, and it's no coincidence that he has the ingredients for these oh-so-accommodating sandwiches at the ready. In one he puts corn chip crumbles into a sandwich. That reminds me of then I used to put UTZ Potato Chips into my PB & J's. That was when I was 6 years old. In another he says, "I really like to get the ingredients in there...in a big way." And in yet another "perfect sandwich" he spreads some fucked up mayo creation on a croissant, which he keeps pronouncing "CROW-sahnt" like a fucking moron.

These videos make for a good laugh all-in-all, you can watch them here.

Just to say, I have nothing against mayonnaise, and if you are going to buy mayonnaise you
should definitely buy Hellmann's. Or if you want to make it you can try Steve Albini's recipe
at the bottom of this interview. If you want to lose your appetite read what KK Null eats.

THE BEST DONER IN TOWN

2009-07-10T02:56:00.000-07:00

MIGHTY MUS

If you ever come to Berlin, you will undoubtedly eat a Doner. Whether it's 4 am and you're wasted because you haven't eaten since what you thought was a normal dinner time but wait that was eight hours ago and you only have 3 euros left, or it's 4 pm and you just woke up next to this freaky German girl that brought you home just to see her pass out and you are starving and getting lost on the way home and only have 3 euros left, a doner, any doner will do you right. Omnipresent Imbisses make this chicken or lamb treat Berlin's Sabrett Hot Dog, cheap and delicious, but requiring just a bit of alcohol-assisted akrasia.

However, should you instead desire, of full mental soundness, a really delicious but still inexpensive mid-afternoon meal, you can find Berlin's best doner in Kreuzberg, on Mehringdamm. You will know Mustafa's when you see it because there will already be
people there, a lot of people, and you will more than likely have to wait about 10 minutes for your sandwich. This is the only place I have ever waited for a doner, and there's a good reason for that:

Firstly, the doners here are chicken, as opposed to the usual (and a bit more unsavory) lamb. You got your choice of three sauces (you should just get them all), salad, etc. These are all pretty typical, but the distinguishing extra-mile is the addition of feta cheese, fried veggies, and some fresh-squeezed lemon juice. The dudes there are pretty funny, they remind me of short-order breakfast cooks in NYC, very controlled and efficient movements but sassy of tongue all the while. 2.70 euros is the price! NOICE!

We used to live really close to Mustafa's, at which point I know there was a twice-in-one-day Mus extravaganza. Sadly we moved to the other side of town, but of course there are times when we make the trip just to hit him up, and others where jaunts elsewhere are planned such that the route convieniently passes Mehringdamm.

That website is trippy, hippy.

THE KEYS TO THE BAKERY

2009-07-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

Berry Streusel, Banana Bread, Cherry Streusel, NY Style Cheesecake all in a days twerk

I used to not bake so much because I guess I was just a little lazy. But now I get paid to do it so I really enjoy it! But really it's quite cheap and easy to make cool shit, you only need about 7-8 things in your cupboard or cheap-ass metal shelving at all times to bake, with only minor additons for each specific recipe, really you can make all that is pictured here for less than about 12 bucks, and then go flip that shit and step your game up to profiteroles and chocolate sabayon homey. The jump-off is as follows:

1. All-Purpose Flour
2. Granulated Sugar
3. Butter
4. Eggs
4. Baking Powder
5. Vanilla Extract
6. Cinammon
7. Confectioner's (powdered) sugar
8. Lemon (for zesting)

Notice these are all cheap (except the vanilla, but it lasts) and you can keep this shit forever (except the butter and eggs, but make yourself or some freak an omelet if you sense their time is running short). Really you should have the eggs, butter, and lemon already.

No baking soda? I find substituting more baking powder for baking soda makes no easily discernible difference.

Now, say you want to....

Make a cheese cake? Buy some cream cheese, graham cracker crumbs, and sour cream!

Make Carrot Cake? Buy some carrots, cream cheese, and walnuts!

Make Banana Bread? Buy some bananas, milk, and walnuts!

Brownies? Buy a bar of nice dark unsweetened chocolate! aaaaaaand maybe some walnuts!

Berry Struesel? Milk, Berries of your choice,

you get the idea.

Baking is tight, you get fat but you also get good at it, it's cheap and girls for some reason think when a man bakes it is somehow revealing his "sensitive" side, but really I just burn myself a lot and cuss.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR?

2009-06-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

Dude, this shit just plain fucking rules. Watch this video, read what happened at the shoot, and then watch it again. MG is right, this is "Ha" to the Nth degree, maybe the best video since and that was more than 10 years ago. I'm getting old! I remember rocking out to "Ha" in the mirror when I was 14.

Pill - Trap Goin Ham from Motion Family on Vimeo.

Plus there is some cooking of sorts going on.

DAS GEHT GAR NICHT

2009-06-27T03:08:00.000-07:00

It's like they ain't a GAWD no mo.

Recent events have taken a turn for the worse, and I've been burning the candle at both ends all the while (well really just shooting it with a flocka-FLAMEthrower). If Berlin has taught me anything, it is how to push everything to the very limit, nay, the brink of death, to deny my body the rest it needs to function properly and to only succumb to fatigue when the drugs are gone and there's otherwise nothing better to do. But at this point it is not for some self-destructive downward spiral, but rather becuase I don't know how much time I have left at this party.

My visa was sort of denied so I may have to return to the USA soon, where it may be difficult readjusting to "American-style" routines, laws, and toilets. This is all still up in the air however - the Germans are strict but deliberate - so even their decision making process could take up to three months. Three long months for me to put three long years on my body.

Some things still make me happy though,

and the girl at the Gelato Bar down the block oh im so saccharine wid it.

GOOGLE REKONIZE

2009-06-25T04:39:00.000-07:00

BLAOW

"Best Carrot Cake I ever ate"?!
Who is this Stefanie?
yo googs if she nasty tell that freak get at me

NAW

2009-06-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

One time I saw a license plate that said "OHALENA" - this burnt egg made me think of it.

I love Korean food. It's my favorite. Every since I used to have the luxury of getting my mind blown three days a week by this place in Richmond, I've been a Koko fiend. Korean food has definitely come up as far as food trendiness, with David Chang's Momofuku Empire at the forefront. So far in Berlin I've managed to eat at one Korean Restaurant that for some reason fronts as a Sushi spot. I don't think they know what they are sitting on, the Korean food here is quite good, good enough to sustain a restaurant, one would think. Although I don't think there is any other Sushi on Oderberger Str., a popular shop/eat/cafe street in Berlin.
But I digress.
Hipster Korean has hit Berlin, and while I'm cool with that (a man could waste a whole life getting pissed about trendy assholes bringing or getting brought by their trendy Asian girlfriends to hip Asian restaurants) mostly because it means more Korean for me, I gotta say these fools got a lot too cocky wit it, and think they can get away with it.
Granted I caught this place in its relatively nascent period (first day open) I could just tell it was built as a self-indulgent playground couched in a false air of uniqueness. That being said, because I don't want to seem like some out of control hater pre-judging based on the hip factor, the food was slaaaaack. Firstly, the portion size was way small for how much it cost, my side order of Kimchi cost 2.50 euro and it must have been about 1/8 oz. The bibimbap didn't really fill me up neither. That being said it was all tasty but there was one fatal error that I consider inexcusable:

Now, the food took about 50 minutes to get out to us, but hey, first day kinks being worked out, they looked pretty busy, that I can handle. But when my food did arrive, looking very appetizing though a touch paltry, I dug in to find that my fried egg had been burned. Now, one of the joys of bibimbap is stirring everything up and letting that yolk ooze out and mingle with a bit of everything. However, while looking somehow nice on the top, which I suppose made the dish presentable, the bottom was burnt (as shown) and tasted like fucking charcoal, and with no yolk ooze to speak of. Well damn. I understand if you are rushed and busy, but frying an egg properly takes 30 seconds, and an egg costs fucking 10 cents. Throw that shit out and cook another one. Daaaaaaaaayum.

I AIN'T KOBE BRYANT BUT...

2009-06-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

Elbows off the table Mssr. Kobe

Well first off a hearty congrats to the Black Mamba and the LA Lakers for a less than stunning victory over the wherever Magic.

More importantly who is this fine-ass French woman with whom Kobe is so eager to eat? None other than Clotilde Dusoulier (doesn't everything in French need to be italicized?), the beautiful jeune fille /food blogger behind CHOCOLATE & ZUCCHINI. Currently I am running through the French Food Idioms posts on her blog which are pretty hilarious, as they are either a lot like American expressions or just insulting. I especially like the attempt at glossing over the classism in this one. Otherwise there is some really awesome food on this blog, and while most of it is innaccessable to me at this point, albeit food porn, I still learn a lot and its anecdotal aspect can be fun. And Clo is about a bajillion times hotter than Mark Bittman.

NO MORE DINING AND WINE

2009-06-09T04:32:00.000-07:00

I think it's about time to bid adieu to the insipid, incestuous, and innocuous Dining and Wine section of the New York Times. What may have at one time been a valuable resource for those curious about the culinary styles of America's Greatest City's haute cuisine has become a self-glorification engine, catering (pardon the pun) to "liberal" "foodies" who are most likely wealthy enough to participate in every aspect of this truffle-oil soaked rag.
First, you have articles about "food in America today" that are either by Micheal Pollan or make no shame in quoting Michael Pollan every third paragraph and of course noting that he is a "frequent contributor to the New York Times." For NYT readers, these articles allow them a sigh of relief for not being poor and assuredly that strange moral comfort from simply being "aware" of the plight of the poor. So people get sad for a little while and think really hard about going to Dean & Deluca or 69th street farmer's market or whatever. For about an hour.
Then of course the wonderful, quirky, instructional cooking on NYT, now supplemented by Jill Santopietro and her "tiny (!!!!!!!)" New York City apartment. Is the size of her MANHATTAN apartment supposed to garnish (pardon the pun) sympathy from us folks elsewhere with huge kitchens that cost about 1/8th as much as it does to live on the lower east side? Fuck that! And this chick sounds like she's a 4th grader doing a book report on the first edition of The Joy of Cooking: (in monotone) "In this weeks New York Times Magazine Christie Melkie....In this Article....It's a braised chicken dish...it's adapted from..." Followed by the classic out of touch NYT pitfall: "The key is good ingredients." More patting on the back for the rich at their dinner parties.
Then of course there's Frank Bruni, who I'm sure is only writing for the Bridge and Tunnelers who eat Chic-Fil-A all week to save up to head into the big city and eat and tell their friends in the country all about it. If that doesn't kick you in the balls for being poor enough you can move on to the wine articles, and finally the occassional article about food regulation from the gov't. Yipee!
My advice is to stick to Chopped & Stewed, and otherwise just do the best you can within your budget. Try to cook as often as you can, and when you go out to eat, drop some cash but make sure it's on something you couldn't make for yourself. Good Luck!

HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN THIS ROOM?

2009-06-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

If anyone wonders what happens in the kitchen at Cafe CK when we discuss this week's menu, this is basically it. The dude in the striped shirt looks like his body is a dummy and hes actually poking his real head through the wall. Also this song is just lot of fun!

Props to Muzikfene

REMOVE THE SHOTGUN FROM YOUR MOUTH

2009-06-02T03:50:00.001-07:00

Gadzooks. Honey baked ham cupcakes topped with cinnamon buttercream frosting and candied pineapple? Natürlich!

LAWSPACHO

2009-05-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

This recipe for Gazpacho I sort of just made up when I was at work but it was strongly inspired by a great man and chef I used to work for. Besides firing my brother for calling him a "Fuck" and having sex with Jenny McCarthy, this dude was a sweet boss and the first person I ever saw actually take one sip of champagne he had just bought, grimace, and hand it to my brother (still working there at the time) and say "This is disgusting, throw it out." Also years later I was speaking with this chef and confided to him that I was high many of the times I was working with him and that he was none the wiser, to which he replied "that goes for both of us." God bless the LAW, from sleeping in a tent in his bedroom to loving Three 6 Mafia's "Let's Plan a Robbery." He could make some good gazpacho, too:

What you workin' wiphe:
6 Tomatoes, Vine Ripe and lookin' right, rough chopped (big chunks)
1 Carrot, finely chopped
1 Red or Green Bell Pepper, finely chopped
1 Cucumber, finely chopped
3 Cloves Garlic, minced
7-8 Fresh Basil leaves, cut up
1/2 Medium Red Onion, finely chopped
Olive Oil (2-3 Tbsp)
1 Tbsp Red Wine Vinegar
2 tsp Worcestershire Sauce
Salt and Pepper
Sriricha! (just a squirt)

Simply combine all these ingredients in a bowl and process with an immersion blender, you will probably need to add about a cup or two of water to get things going. Process until smooth and chill that shit out for an hour or so. Serve with or without a dollop of sour cream!

AUTOFOCUS

2009-05-29T05:08:00.000-07:00

Blueberry/Raspberry Bread 1st try...so so

MORE MJ

2009-05-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

TO really round out your in-kitchen Michael Jackson collection you should probably grab a couple hit from "Off the Wall" and just the song "Bad" as a finale, for that moment you try the food you just made or serve it to some 9-year-old boy. Who's bad?

Anyway I'm still on my Thriller binge, further supplemented by these hits:

"Don't Stop til you Get Enough" Remember that Seinfeld Montage?

"The Way you Make Me Feel" Sing along with this to your favorite knife. Wait a minute...

What the fuck am I talking about just cop "Off the Wall" too it's all tight I'm listening to it now with Z in the APT and lovin it. And don't forget "Bad"!!

I guess I'll post some food shit tomorrow.

THE BEST ALBUM TO COOK TO HANDS-DOWN

2009-05-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

When I'm in the kitchen working hard, hustling for my money, maybe a little tired or hungover, I usually listen to rap just to get into the grind, buckle down, and make it through the day. But after a good night's sleep dreaming of delicious treats and soups there is one album that amplifies my ability to dance. I mean cook! Yes, listening to Thriller while cooking or baking or even washing dishes is one of the most enjoyable experiences of all time. If you haven't done it before I suggest you do, becuase there's nothing like groovin' and movin' while you cookin'.

READY TO DIE

2009-05-23T08:40:00.001-07:00

Shit is real, and hungry's how I feel. Last week I found out my Mom has a ridiculously high cholesterol level and it's probable that I do as well. So I decided today to eat an egg-salad sandwich with bacon. This shit was b-b-bangin'.

What you workin' wiphe (for you and maybe your homeboy Z):
4 eggs
3 ribs of celery
MAYO
BREAD
Lettuce (I used dat Iceberg)
Vinegar of some sort
Salt
Pepper
Fresh Chives (maybe like 7 stalks, or leaves, or whatever)
BACON

Oh how he do dat?
First take the eggs and put them in a pot with some cold water, a pinch of salt, and a splash of vinegar (this helps with peeling). Set it to boil. While awaiting dem bubbles, chop up the celery and chives. You will also need to prepare an ICE BATH (best name for a food-related black metal band) during this time, for which you simply need to put ice in some water in a bowl. Keep an eye on the eggs, once they start to boil you will need to check the clock, they must only boil for 8 minutes, after which you must drain the eggs and drop the eggs into the ice bath. Next you will need to peel the eggs, put them in a mixing bowl, add about one and a half tablespoons of mayonaisse and mash them up with a fork until they are at the texture you desire. Then add the chives, celery, and salt and pepper to taste. Next cook the bacon in a frying pan, and then make a sandwich, dummy!

ICH LIEBE ES (DON'T HATE)

2009-05-15T02:28:00.000-07:00

I know what you are probably thinking when you look at this picture: "Joey must have gotten really high and thusly his moral compass was compromised. So he went to Mcdonald's and got a big mac, I'm sure he regretted it later." Nothing could be farther from the truth. Sadly, I was not high for this experience, but as the picture tells I was definitely in a peaceful place within; truly this is one of those moments where the camera captures the very soul of the subject. Now I love Mcdonald's and I miss America sometimes, and I got really bummed out earlier that day by seeing the wrong things on the internet, so ZVH and I took a trip to MAC DEEZ in search of a little special sauce for the soul. But some people really hate Mcdonald's, and hate on those that love it. Well, I've got a couple things to say about them:

The first thing people might hit me with is "Oh why in the world would you ever want to go to Mcdonald's?" To which I reply "because it's soooo fucking good." This is the point where they tell you how long it has been since they last ate it: "Dude I haven't been to Mcdonald's in like, 2 years." Why would I even begin to give the most micrscopic dollar-menu shit about that? The last time I went to a drycleaners was six months ago. Do you care? They seem to associate Mcdonald's with some less-than-enlightened meanness reserved for those who have yet to "see the light" or date a vegetarian. Probably they were just told that Mcdonald's is BAAAAAD by someone who they thought were smarter than them, and then for extra points they probably picked up that torch and preached the evils of fast food to their friends who they now thought were less smart than themselves (whew). And look man, Mcd's simply pimped the shit out of capitalism and American culture, and that's the way the world is, at least we can have a Big Mac every once and a while to cheer us up.

The other thing a hater might ask is "You went all the way to Germany and all you got was Mcdonald's?" Implying that I am not sufficiently engaging myself with the culture and in fact withdrawing by going to the most American institution I can find. Well look, I moved to Berlin, ok? This is not some weekend chinabus jaunt to the Big Apple to feel cooler when I get back to anywhere else. I have been thoroughly and at times unwilllingly exposed and inundated with German/Berlin culture, and I really wanted a taste of home. I get scowled at if I cross the street in disregard for the "don't walk" sign even if there is not a single car in sight. Do you now what a special treat it is to have ice in your drink over here? I went to the movie theater two days ago and when I bought my ticket I was assigned a seat. Fuck is that? So lay off a brotha, I'm getting my daily dose of Deutschland, and that Big Mac seriously did wonders for the twenty minutes or so it was in my body.

MY MAN KNOW

TRAPPIN' HARD SERVIN' FENES

2009-05-14T02:52:00.000-07:00

I used to think the term "Starving Artist" just meant that "artists" were starved for attention. I mean they usually look like o.k. people until you start talking to them and they hit you with some shit about what they are working on or what their music is about or some poem or short story bout anthropomorphic whatever-the-fuck . Well I don't know shit about art and I can't read. So just joke around with me about how shitty other people are in the room and we can get along fine. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, so I thought "Starving Artist" meant starved for attention - until I had to make food for a bunch of artists. The Cafe had a "vernissage" over the weekend which I guess is Swahili for "art show." The artists arrived early of course and proceeded to demolish most of the food I made for those who would look at their work and nod or perhaps raise an eyebrow in feigned intrigue but really they just counting to ten in their heads before going back for more food or better yet alcohol. At one point I was cooking and blasting Waka Flocka Flame (some of the hardest shit I've heard) and this artist-type came into the kitchen by accident and I turned around knife in hand and must have given him some fucked-up look becuase he proceeded to back out of the kitchen with both hands up saying "Sorry sorry sorry." Anyway one of the hors d'oeuvres was this tuna salad I really like, I figured these art types, while "poor," would still look down their nose at mayonaise, so it's a lemon juice and olive oil thang. Here's the recipe, I made a lot but this is for one can of tuna.

What you workin wiphe:

One can of Tuna (in olive oil is best)
2 tbsp Olive Oil
Juice of 1/2 of one lemon
10-12 Kalamata Olives
1 tbsp capers get a lil' juice in there too
Half a medium red onion, diced up
Maybe like 1/4 cup chopped parsley
Salt
Pepper
Waka Flocka Flame

Pit them olives and mix dat shit up. If your tuna wasn't in olive oil, you prolly gonna need to add some more. Salt and Pepper to taste. Serve on some bread or some shit.

On another note, last night at a bar I was getting a little tipsy and was approached by this fine-ass german female that made my night. After short introductions the coversation went like this:

Fine-ass broad: "So you are from America?"
Yo main man JoJo in the mahfuckin' building: "Yes"
FAB: "So you are an artist"
YMMJJitMB: "No"
FAB: "So you are a musician?"
YMMJJitMB: "No"
FAB: "So what are you?"
YMMJJitMB: "I'm just a cook."

At this point FAB threw her arms around me and, told me how relieved she was not to be talking to a musician or artist. Then we talked about scrambled eggs. I was gonna try to scramble her eggs but I think I blew it at this point:

FAB: "I just love a man who can cook."
YMMJJitMB: "Me too!"

THIS A BITTY TREAT

2009-05-12T02:06:00.001-07:00

Mark Bittman, I never met him but goddamn it that's my man. I wish I could post my own brownie recipe but I still don't know if I'm supposed to put the weed in with the butter first or just straight into the mix. So anyway I just used my homie's recipe from his blog and made a double batch of that in a 9 x 13, which worked quite well actually, be sure to use some quality chocolate and its ok to use a lil mo than recommended by the recipe. I'm also gonna suggest you keep it all chocolate baby and leave out the vanilla extract. While they bake you should watch this entire Cam'ron concert on your iPod Touch, becuase that's what I did. And go get that Crime Pays May 12th!

Low low low heat baybay!

MAKE IT RAINBOW

2009-05-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

Basically wanted to get out there and jump on lettin' everybody know we got to this joke first;
Euros are multicolored. Oh and if I toss out a 100 euro bill, that's the same as throwing out 134 American dollars and three mahfuckin' American cents! BLAOW!

YOU GET IT - Red Lentil Soup wth Balsamic Vinegar

2009-05-04T02:25:00.001-07:00

So, time for my first tagesuppe at Cafe CK. Cory was nice enough to bring in some red lentils from home, and shout out to NYT for partial inspiration.

WHAT U WORKIN WIF:
4 Tablespoons Olive oil
3 lil onions
2-4 cloves uh dat garlic
Tomato Puree
4 cups red lentils
1 big-ass carrot
Bout 2 quarts vegetable stock
Wa-wa
Summa dat: salt, white pepper, cumin, crushed red pepper
Fresh Cilantro
Balsamic Vinegar

Inspirational Music

AIGHT:

1. Chop up the onions and mince the garlic. In a large saucepot, get that olive oil shimmerin' and shinin' at about medium high heat. Once properly shinin, drop the onions and garlic in, and sweat 'em for about four minutes, keep them moving around in there, don't let them burn!

2. Put about a half-cup of that tomato puree in there, stir and reduce the heat to medium. Now is when I added about a half tablespoon of salt, a teaspoon of pepper, a teaspoon of cumin, and a teaspoon on crushed red pepper. You will probably have to add more salt later. After about two minutes:

3. Add stock, water (enough to cover the beans but not too much mo), lentils, and the carrot (medium chop). Turn up the heat to medium-high, partially cover the soup, bring to simmer and then reduce the heat, keeping the soup partially covered. The soup does not require too much attention.

4. Once the lentils and carrots are soft, you can adjust the salt as you please. Then serve with about a half-tablespoon of balsamic per 8 oz., and plently of cilantro chifffffff. GET IT?

OH LAWUD (or FUCK COCAINE PT. 2)

2009-05-04T01:17:00.000-07:00

Soon after writing that last post I jammed out a bunch of mini-sandwiches and then fell asleep on the couch in the back of the cafe. If I ever doubted that my boss might have a sense of humor about me showing up to work essentially looking like a madman, this photo she took of me whilst I slept surely allayed any fear I might have of chastening. I really felt like shit though, and I had to take a bite of this brownie just to make sure it was uncooked, but I guess I was just getting my (wait for it) just deserts. BLOAW!
Peep the pic at the cafe's blog, Cafe CK

FUCK COCAINE

2009-05-03T01:37:00.001-07:00

Hey do you want some insight into my briefly total-gefuckt welt? Too late fucker. I am back in the kitchen after not sleeping for 29 hours - this basically sucks. I am in no condition to cook and was literally just at some fucking BIZARRE deutsch club on the river from 6 am to 9 am where people were just pretending it was a real night club BUT THE SUN WAS OUT and it was OUTSIDE (however while washing dishes I am being careful not to erase the stamp from said club because I can go back until monday). So I'm wasted at work. It's 10:47 am. This basically sucks. Shout out to my motherfucking heart BIG BO, miss you.

STANDING IN THE KITCHEN

2009-05-02T04:18:00.001-07:00

So, I'm here at work and I've been standing up since 8 am. I made a bunch of scrambled eggs for Germans, who apparently don't know how to just order off the menu - in fact not one person has just been content with the offerings and has instead modified every item or just made up something completely different. Not to mention I am also washing every dish (clean!), glass, and stupid-ass little-ass demi-tasse spoon. But hey, I'm gettin' money, I can't complain, and this Yo Gotti song has got me hu$tlin even though Tom's Diner can eff off becuase my cafe is mo' betta.

HOW I'M FEELIN' RIGHT NAH

2009-05-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

What up WORLD? It's been a long six weeks since my last post, I know, and it might be a bit longer until you see another episode of Chopped & Screwed, but trust that your boy Jojo is back on the food grind, cookin' n cuttin'. I got work (at a cafe) in Berlin and have been standing in the kitchen for long hours wanting to write a lil sumn' about it erry once and a while. So don't touch that dial, or keyboard, or the screen on your ipod, especially after handling raw poultry. This video pretty much says it all, I'm Back Bitch.

Gucci Mane- Im Back B*tch ! from Radio Planet on Vimeo.

Chopped n Screwed Episode 4

2009-03-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

YesorNoDC Presents: Chopped & Screwed Episode 4: Recession Ramen from YESORNODC on Vimeo.

Chopped n Screwed Episode 3

2009-03-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

Y/N presents: Chopped & Screwed Episode 3: Stag Night Steak from YESORNODC on Vimeo.

Peep the steaks. These steaks were a little thin for this preparation, gotta get that pan nice and hot to sear them and lock in all that flavor.

Chopped n Screwed Episode 2

2009-03-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

Yes Or No DC Presents: Chopped And Screwed - Episode 2 - "Da Bomblette" from YESORNODC on Vimeo.

Nothing says "I don't actually love you" better than an omelet for a nice young lady in the morning. The Caprese omelet is a banger you can even save for yourself. Just remember that you gotta pay attention to your heat, you don't want to give a girl brown eggs just then she's likely to tell everyone LIES about your pee-pee.

Chopped n Screwed Episode 1

2009-03-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

Y/N presents Chopped & Screwed - Episode 1: BruXXL Sprouts from YESORNODC on Vimeo.

Ok so here's how to cook Brussels sprouts, one of my favorite vegetables, in foil pouches. Cooking these in foil pouches preserves all the moisture making your sprouts sweaty and saucy.
My favorite flavor combination for this recipe will always be tamari (aged soy sauce) and butter in equal parts, finished with lemon. Anyways you can really do whatever you want this way as shown, and you can also cook a variety of vegetables in this way, they just take a little while is all. Try it with potatoes cut up with rosemary, olive oil, S + P. Good luck!