"STONER" FOOOD

High Times call for Desperate Measures

If you made it through the (totally needless) three pages of the New York Time's article about "marijuana fuel[ing] a new kitchen culture" (seriously?) and didn't know from the first sentence that you were going to use it as yet another opportunity to inveigh against the idiotic waste of time (and occasionally paper) of the Dining & Wine Section then I commend your patience, unless you were one of the dullards that decided to email this article to a friend sending it into the top ten emailed list, then...fuck you. If you made it through the first sentence of this blog post then I commend your patience doubly! Really, are these guys serious? Maybe instead of throwing money at D&W to put out this innocuous drivel they can FIRE EVERYONE in that dept. and give it to the newsroom, or better yet to charity.

The foundation of this article is seemingly a five minute conversation with Anthony Bourdain
about smoking marijuana and David Chang. Bourdain makes a Bourdain-ish exaggeration - "everybody smokes dope after work" - and you've got the cover article for D&W. Naturally the article is cautious; peppered with disclaimers and assurances that not all chefs need to smoke weed and potheads aren't cooking your $40 east-village Ny Strip. I mean, this article, for lack of better a better word, is re-fucking-tarded. Don't read it.

I watched an episode of the "Munchies" web-Tv show featuring David Chang, mentioned in the NYT article. Equally uninformative, the episode shows DC and Peter Meehan (he used to write the $25 and Under restaurant reviews for the NYT) and some assistant cavorting about, high or not I really don't know, eating some chicken and then just going to one of the Momofuku restaurants. Chang gets drunk and acts like a jock, which was mildly disheartening for me...then again, he does write for Esquire.

Is this really where interest in food is heading, now that anyone who watches or reads this shit can think themselves a foodie? I really think people just don't even know what they like or want anymore, with what they read about food but also seemingly what they put in their mouths. This take-a-picture-of-whatever-I-eat-and-show-my-friends-how-adventurous/cultured/albeit-cool I am and put it on facebook shit just needs to roll the fuck on. Fuck you and fuck your food blog. More to come after my breathing exercise.

EVEN TOUGH GUYS GET DUCK-TAPED AND HOG TIED

Recently some European woman was making chit chat with me out somewhere, and I guess one of her go-to English flirt questions she asked me was "What kind of music do you listen to?" Instead of replying "Actually you should ask 'To what kind of music do you listen?'" I just said, "rap" and I guess that made her think that was indeed all the music I like, but I guess these days she wouldn't have been that far off. I listen to a lot of rap, I mean I've listened to rap since whenever "Regulators" was getting regular play on MTV, but currently it pretty much is all I listen to (all to which I listen). I've been working my ass off lately, and listening to rap is all I can do to not lose my fucking mind. Since it's mostly about how working your ass off all the time is gangster as fuck and how if you do work hard and make it you can basically be a tight motherfucking pimp. Delusions of grandeur notwithstanding (Mafia Dons Only) it's better than thinking I'm going to work for someone else for the rest of my life.

Recently this chef who really is just a badass came into where I work to eat tacos before he goes to his restaurant and serves Halibut with sweetbreads and we got to chit chatting. He asked me how many days a week I work and I was all like "Seven motherfucker" in my head but I just said "seven" to which he got all avuncular and told me about how I shouldn't work so much, how I should eat out more and try to have a good time. He said no matter how "hard" I think I am (English is not his first language, but surprisingly perceptive) I will fuck myself up working too much. To back all this up he even went so far as to tell me about his nervous breakdown, which was not really so much an effective deterrent because hey man, I'm not fucking crazy - but it made me think about how I basically just work all the time and sleep when I can, and how that is kind of a bummer, dude. And while it's cool to envision myself as a tight motherfucking pimp lounging between two pillars of ivory I should probably do more shit to justify my existence other than listening to rap on the way to, at, and on the way back from work. So here is some of the shit I do, and you should too if you grind hard.

1. BALL OUT

"Woke up in the morning, fuck it, bought a yellow Aston Martin"

You work a lot, but all your friends loaf about all day eating crackers in bed and then just sweep the crumbs onto the floor, cuz hey, they don't really worry about shit. But don't hate - just step your game up, i.e. buy shit. You work a lot, you make loot. Doing something tight with it is definitely tight. Capricious purchases are the best - being able to say to yourself (out loud, as I do) "Fuck it I'll make this money back in three days" feels great. Buy drinks for your homies, buy your girl something tight (sigh), buy fresh blueberries, whatever. Stimulate the global economy, shine for no apparent reason.

2. Drugs

8:30....AM

Actually don't do drugs.

3. Exercise and healthy bullshit

It might seem fucked up to demand of your body that it run 5 miles after making it stand on its feet for 8-10 hours using weird muscles so as not to slip on the wet kitchen floor. It is fucked up, and your body will get pissed at first. But exercise is actually really enjoyable, mostly for expelling pent up mental energy, albeit anguish, from your domepiece. Instead of coming home and just feeling shitty about work and just mentally masturbating on the internet or actually masturbating you can now have something to do, and upon finishing that you instead come home with some pride still intact and ready to focus on other shit. It also helps to justify eating two quesadillas and one burrito in a span of 5 hours or so.

4. Blog like everyone else

Hard at work