I'm on a roll, so butter me

Friday, May 29, 2009


This recipe for Gazpacho I sort of just made up when I was at work but it was strongly inspired by a great man and chef I used to work for. Besides firing my brother for calling him a "Fuck" and having sex with Jenny McCarthy, this dude was a sweet boss and the first person I ever saw actually take one sip of champagne he had just bought, grimace, and hand it to my brother (still working there at the time) and say "This is disgusting, throw it out." Also years later I was speaking with this chef and confided to him that I was high many of the times I was working with him and that he was none the wiser, to which he replied "that goes for both of us." God bless the LAW, from sleeping in a tent in his bedroom to loving Three 6 Mafia's "Let's Plan a Robbery." He could make some good gazpacho, too:

What you workin' wiphe:
6 Tomatoes, Vine Ripe and lookin' right, rough chopped (big chunks)
1 Carrot, finely chopped
1 Red or Green Bell Pepper, finely chopped
1 Cucumber, finely chopped
3 Cloves Garlic, minced
7-8 Fresh Basil leaves, cut up
1/2 Medium Red Onion, finely chopped
Olive Oil (2-3 Tbsp)
1 Tbsp Red Wine Vinegar
2 tsp Worcestershire Sauce
Salt and Pepper
Sriricha! (just a squirt)

Simply combine all these ingredients in a bowl and process with an immersion blender, you will probably need to add about a cup or two of water to get things going. Process until smooth and chill that shit out for an hour or so. Serve with or without a dollop of sour cream!


Blueberry/Raspberry Bread 1st try...so so

Thursday, May 28, 2009


TO really round out your in-kitchen Michael Jackson collection you should probably grab a couple hit from "Off the Wall" and just the song "Bad" as a finale, for that moment you try the food you just made or serve it to some 9-year-old boy. Who's bad?

Anyway I'm still on my Thriller binge, further supplemented by these hits:

"Don't Stop til you Get Enough" Remember that Seinfeld Montage?

"The Way you Make Me Feel" Sing along with this to your favorite knife. Wait a minute...

What the fuck am I talking about just cop "Off the Wall" too it's all tight I'm listening to it now with Z in the APT and lovin it. And don't forget "Bad"!!

I guess I'll post some food shit tomorrow.

Monday, May 25, 2009


When I'm in the kitchen working hard, hustling for my money, maybe a little tired or hungover, I usually listen to rap just to get into the grind, buckle down, and make it through the day. But after a good night's sleep dreaming of delicious treats and soups there is one album that amplifies my ability to dance. I mean cook! Yes, listening to Thriller while cooking or baking or even washing dishes is one of the most enjoyable experiences of all time. If you haven't done it before I suggest you do, becuase there's nothing like groovin' and movin' while you cookin'.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


Shit is real, and hungry's how I feel. Last week I found out my Mom has a ridiculously high cholesterol level and it's probable that I do as well. So I decided today to eat an egg-salad sandwich with bacon. This shit was b-b-bangin'.

What you workin' wiphe (for you and maybe your homeboy Z):
4 eggs
3 ribs of celery
Lettuce (I used dat Iceberg)
Vinegar of some sort
Fresh Chives (maybe like 7 stalks, or leaves, or whatever)

Oh how he do dat?
First take the eggs and put them in a pot with some cold water, a pinch of salt, and a splash of vinegar (this helps with peeling). Set it to boil. While awaiting dem bubbles, chop up the celery and chives. You will also need to prepare an ICE BATH (best name for a food-related black metal band) during this time, for which you simply need to put ice in some water in a bowl. Keep an eye on the eggs, once they start to boil you will need to check the clock, they must only boil for 8 minutes, after which you must drain the eggs and drop the eggs into the ice bath. Next you will need to peel the eggs, put them in a mixing bowl, add about one and a half tablespoons of mayonaisse and mash them up with a fork until they are at the texture you desire. Then add the chives, celery, and salt and pepper to taste. Next cook the bacon in a frying pan, and then make a sandwich, dummy!

Friday, May 15, 2009


I know what you are probably thinking when you look at this picture: "Joey must have gotten really high and thusly his moral compass was compromised. So he went to Mcdonald's and got a big mac, I'm sure he regretted it later." Nothing could be farther from the truth. Sadly, I was not high for this experience, but as the picture tells I was definitely in a peaceful place within; truly this is one of those moments where the camera captures the very soul of the subject. Now I love Mcdonald's and I miss America sometimes, and I got really bummed out earlier that day by seeing the wrong things on the internet, so ZVH and I took a trip to MAC DEEZ in search of a little special sauce for the soul. But some people really hate Mcdonald's, and hate on those that love it. Well, I've got a couple things to say about them:

The first thing people might hit me with is "Oh why in the world would you ever want to go to Mcdonald's?" To which I reply "because it's soooo fucking good." This is the point where they tell you how long it has been since they last ate it: "Dude I haven't been to Mcdonald's in like, 2 years." Why would I even begin to give the most micrscopic dollar-menu shit about that? The last time I went to a drycleaners was six months ago. Do you care? They seem to associate Mcdonald's with some less-than-enlightened meanness reserved for those who have yet to "see the light" or date a vegetarian. Probably they were just told that Mcdonald's is BAAAAAD by someone who they thought were smarter than them, and then for extra points they probably picked up that torch and preached the evils of fast food to their friends who they now thought were less smart than themselves (whew). And look man, Mcd's simply pimped the shit out of capitalism and American culture, and that's the way the world is, at least we can have a Big Mac every once and a while to cheer us up.

The other thing a hater might ask is "You went all the way to Germany and all you got was Mcdonald's?" Implying that I am not sufficiently engaging myself with the culture and in fact withdrawing by going to the most American institution I can find. Well look, I moved to Berlin, ok? This is not some weekend chinabus jaunt to the Big Apple to feel cooler when I get back to anywhere else. I have been thoroughly and at times unwilllingly exposed and inundated with German/Berlin culture, and I really wanted a taste of home. I get scowled at if I cross the street in disregard for the "don't walk" sign even if there is not a single car in sight. Do you now what a special treat it is to have ice in your drink over here? I went to the movie theater two days ago and when I bought my ticket I was assigned a seat. Fuck is that? So lay off a brotha, I'm getting my daily dose of Deutschland, and that Big Mac seriously did wonders for the twenty minutes or so it was in my body.


Thursday, May 14, 2009


I used to think the term "Starving Artist" just meant that "artists" were starved for attention. I mean they usually look like o.k. people until you start talking to them and they hit you with some shit about what they are working on or what their music is about or some poem or short story bout anthropomorphic whatever-the-fuck . Well I don't know shit about art and I can't read. So just joke around with me about how shitty other people are in the room and we can get along fine. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, so I thought "Starving Artist" meant starved for attention - until I had to make food for a bunch of artists. The Cafe had a "vernissage" over the weekend which I guess is Swahili for "art show." The artists arrived early of course and proceeded to demolish most of the food I made for those who would look at their work and nod or perhaps raise an eyebrow in feigned intrigue but really they just counting to ten in their heads before going back for more food or better yet alcohol. At one point I was cooking and blasting Waka Flocka Flame (some of the hardest shit I've heard) and this artist-type came into the kitchen by accident and I turned around knife in hand and must have given him some fucked-up look becuase he proceeded to back out of the kitchen with both hands up saying "Sorry sorry sorry." Anyway one of the hors d'oeuvres was this tuna salad I really like, I figured these art types, while "poor," would still look down their nose at mayonaise, so it's a lemon juice and olive oil thang. Here's the recipe, I made a lot but this is for one can of tuna.

What you workin wiphe:

One can of Tuna (in olive oil is best)
2 tbsp Olive Oil
Juice of 1/2 of one lemon
10-12 Kalamata Olives
1 tbsp capers get a lil' juice in there too
Half a medium red onion, diced up
Maybe like 1/4 cup chopped parsley
Waka Flocka Flame

Pit them olives and mix dat shit up. If your tuna wasn't in olive oil, you prolly gonna need to add some more. Salt and Pepper to taste. Serve on some bread or some shit.

On another note, last night at a bar I was getting a little tipsy and was approached by this fine-ass german female that made my night. After short introductions the coversation went like this:

Fine-ass broad: "So you are from America?"
Yo main man JoJo in the mahfuckin' building: "Yes"
FAB: "So you are an artist"
FAB: "So you are a musician?"
FAB: "So what are you?"
YMMJJitMB: "I'm just a cook."

At this point FAB threw her arms around me and, told me how relieved she was not to be talking to a musician or artist. Then we talked about scrambled eggs. I was gonna try to scramble her eggs but I think I blew it at this point:

FAB: "I just love a man who can cook."
YMMJJitMB: "Me too!"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Mark Bittman, I never met him but goddamn it that's my man. I wish I could post my own brownie recipe but I still don't know if I'm supposed to put the weed in with the butter first or just straight into the mix. So anyway I just used my homie's recipe from his blog and made a double batch of that in a 9 x 13, which worked quite well actually, be sure to use some quality chocolate and its ok to use a lil mo than recommended by the recipe. I'm also gonna suggest you keep it all chocolate baby and leave out the vanilla extract. While they bake you should watch this entire Cam'ron concert on your iPod Touch, becuase that's what I did. And go get that Crime Pays May 12th!

Low low low heat baybay!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Basically wanted to get out there and jump on lettin' everybody know we got to this joke first;
Euros are multicolored. Oh and if I toss out a 100 euro bill, that's the same as throwing out 134 American dollars and three mahfuckin' American cents! BLAOW!

Monday, May 4, 2009

YOU GET IT - Red Lentil Soup wth Balsamic Vinegar

So, time for my first tagesuppe at Cafe CK. Cory was nice enough to bring in some red lentils from home, and shout out to NYT for partial inspiration.

4 Tablespoons Olive oil
3 lil onions
2-4 cloves uh dat garlic
Tomato Puree
4 cups red lentils
1 big-ass carrot
Bout 2 quarts vegetable stock
Summa dat: salt, white pepper, cumin, crushed red pepper
Fresh Cilantro
Balsamic Vinegar

Inspirational Music


1. Chop up the onions and mince the garlic. In a large saucepot, get that olive oil shimmerin' and shinin' at about medium high heat. Once properly shinin, drop the onions and garlic in, and sweat 'em for about four minutes, keep them moving around in there, don't let them burn!

2. Put about a half-cup of that tomato puree in there, stir and reduce the heat to medium. Now is when I added about a half tablespoon of salt, a teaspoon of pepper, a teaspoon of cumin, and a teaspoon on crushed red pepper. You will probably have to add more salt later. After about two minutes:

3. Add stock, water (enough to cover the beans but not too much mo), lentils, and the carrot (medium chop). Turn up the heat to medium-high, partially cover the soup, bring to simmer and then reduce the heat, keeping the soup partially covered. The soup does not require too much attention.

4. Once the lentils and carrots are soft, you can adjust the salt as you please. Then serve with about a half-tablespoon of balsamic per 8 oz., and plently of cilantro chifffffff. GET IT?


Soon after writing that last post I jammed out a bunch of mini-sandwiches and then fell asleep on the couch in the back of the cafe. If I ever doubted that my boss might have a sense of humor about me showing up to work essentially looking like a madman, this photo she took of me whilst I slept surely allayed any fear I might have of chastening. I really felt like shit though, and I had to take a bite of this brownie just to make sure it was uncooked, but I guess I was just getting my (wait for it) just deserts. BLOAW!
Peep the pic at the cafe's blog, Cafe CK

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Hey do you want some insight into my briefly total-gefuckt welt? Too late fucker. I am back in the kitchen after not sleeping for 29 hours - this basically sucks. I am in no condition to cook and was literally just at some fucking BIZARRE deutsch club on the river from 6 am to 9 am where people were just pretending it was a real night club BUT THE SUN WAS OUT and it was OUTSIDE (however while washing dishes I am being careful not to erase the stamp from said club because I can go back until monday). So I'm wasted at work. It's 10:47 am. This basically sucks. Shout out to my motherfucking heart BIG BO, miss you.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


So, I'm here at work and I've been standing up since 8 am. I made a bunch of scrambled eggs for Germans, who apparently don't know how to just order off the menu - in fact not one person has just been content with the offerings and has instead modified every item or just made up something completely different. Not to mention I am also washing every dish (clean!), glass, and stupid-ass little-ass demi-tasse spoon. But hey, I'm gettin' money, I can't complain, and this Yo Gotti song has got me hu$tlin even though Tom's Diner can eff off becuase my cafe is mo' betta.

Friday, May 1, 2009


What up WORLD? It's been a long six weeks since my last post, I know, and it might be a bit longer until you see another episode of Chopped & Screwed, but trust that your boy Jojo is back on the food grind, cookin' n cuttin'. I got work (at a cafe) in Berlin and have been standing in the kitchen for long hours wanting to write a lil sumn' about it erry once and a while. So don't touch that dial, or keyboard, or the screen on your ipod, especially after handling raw poultry. This video pretty much says it all, I'm Back Bitch.

Gucci Mane- Im Back B*tch ! from Radio Planet on Vimeo.