Hungry Happy Sleepy

This is my first post after having turned 25 years old. What have I been doing with my life up to this quarter-century anniversary? Hmmm. I was Born, I masturbated listening to "Doin' It" by LL Cool J (only during the girl parts), I went to College and then I moved to Berlin. I'm sure there were a few other things along the way, but there has been one steadfast companion throughout:
when times get rough the other set of footprints in the sand are gone because I am lighting that joint with feet and smoking it.



There are people in the world that love smoking weed so much that they will take time out of
their lives to make things like this video and I thank god for it. This is one of the best weed songs ever, I remember it being the opening credits song for "How High" (the best weed movie ever, sorry Dave Chappelle). But anyway Kirby hits a bong (and you know he can hit a bong) and gets all dazed and does his flying around shit while listening to Cypress Hill? And that weed-leaf cross-fade? FAR-OUT. Kirby was a tight game.



Some knowledge and Wisdom from Katt.



This might be the best weed inspired youtube clip of all time, but mostly becuase of the comments. This video is just two images from "Leprechaun in the Hood 2" oh wait..."Leprechaun 6 Back to the Hood," switching back and forth with what appears to be every fade effect from iMovie. Apparently more than 95,000 people have watched this video, and even a few commented. Here are the highlights:

i would make friends with that leprechaun if he didnt fuckin kill everybody

leprechaun smokin a bong

Ha mah nigga smoking ta krayzie bone! See mah bio lepercon straight out the hood East cleveland est 99

daum ese me and dat lepercon would get along shit sens he kills shit ill make him kill my fucken hook up so i dont gotta pay

My favorite, probably the number one most spoken phrase when high:

This is tight.

WAH DO DEM

Bong Bong Biddy Bing Bing Hooooiiiinnnnnnnnggggggg

What is getting me through the days lately? I'm stoked on very few things right now, which makes for an infrequently updated blog. Worth a raised eyebrow, however:

This balloon hoax, very reminiscent of a classic Simpson's episode, except this family is about ten times more stupid and you will be too if you continue to watch CNN and not The Simpsons.

Ah, my old friend the New York Times and their travel guide to another old friend Richmond, Virginia. How do they write these 36 hour guides? It reads like another case of outsourced journalism: perhaps someone in Indonesia simply read one edition of Richmond Magazine, or just spent 36 minutes on the phone with a Richmond 30-something that has probably lived there for about two months. Granted, it would be difficult to paint a pretty picture of the place, but Quirk Gallery? Kuba Kuba? The culinary joke that is The Black Sheep? AND SINCE WHEN do "floppy-haired musicians, to gay hipsters with pierced eyebrows, to mothers from the West End suburbs pushing strollers" express an eclectic spectrum of shoppers? Better read: "A city full of lazy dumbasses." BAH WHY BOTHER OH LOOK ANOTHER FUCKING OP-ED FROM BONO

Three part Gucci mane mixtape "The Cold War." "Guccimerica," "Brrrussia," and "Brrritain." These are coming out so quick THEY ARE NOT PROPERLY MIXED. Why is Gucci so loud (fuzzy) and Drake so quiet on what is otherwise a hot track, "Street Cred"??? (which Killer Mike BEASTS btw). I also like the covers: Guccimerica he looks pretty thuggin throwin up the sets, then for Russia he seems sad about something, and acutally pulls of a pretty good Russian euro-trash look. BUT THEN on Great BRrrrrritain it looks like Dj Scream is holding Gucci up on some weekend at Bernie's type shit.

Brussels Sprouts back in stores.

ICELAND

jarðhiti


I would have to say that my #1 hobby - before eating, sleeping, and masturbation - is blowing money; like, large amounts of money. Stacking money is great, opening up the butter thingy in the refrigerator door to see that grip of literally cold hard cash and just counting it for fun is very satisfying and therapeutic, but even better is just taking half of it and spending it on a whim. While my penchant for capricious spending has at times landed me in all sorts of trouble and ensuing broke-ass depression, it has also provided me with some of the most enriching and just plain TIGHT experiences of my life, and my most recent rainbow expenditure proved to be nothing less - I spent a lot of euros on a plane ticket to Iceland, and had an ARCTIC BLAST.

Iceland is a really, really beautiful place. I would like to die there, if such things were easy to plan, because I would feel fine about it surrounded by mountains and clean (double clean) air. I would also maybe even believe in my old (hopefully) age and likely senility that I would end up at the Gates of Valhalla or just all up in some glacier-obscuring fog playing chess with Bobby Fischer and Varg Vikernes (I guess I'd be playing black). In my old age I would eat the finest meat in the world - sheep, fowl, and fish are all just loafing around in nature as god intended and taste accordingly. Also pure are the streams and creeks floating down from the glaciers so I just drank from them free of Giardia concerrrrrnnsss. I would read sagas on a beach with black sand (I hope you just thought about Ludacris and not Vikings) looking at some bleak but awesome huge waves. And when I feel death truly knocking, I can just wander out into the wilderness as I please, becuase outside of the cities there really is no private property at all, something I am completely unused to but 1000% captures how I feel the world should be.








But for now I am still very much a young man in spirit, so onto other matters and thangs that make me want to return to Iceland ASAFP. The food is good if you know where to go, which my tour guide apparently had on lock. First off they have a lot of cool American products in the grocery stores, making the grocery store more of the familiar experience that it should be. The bakeries also have much tighter bread than Germany and the pastries were really good, especiall y the DONUTS, called "American Donuts."

Restaurants are also pretty cool, you can enjoy endless coffee and water (this doesn't happen elsewhere in Europe). We went to this Thai place that was really good, although when I ordered "Jungle Curry" (how could I not?) the OWNER of the restaurant told me he did not recommend it and that I should order something else. Naturally this only encouraged me, and it really didn't turn out to be too spicy, actually quite delicious! Otherwise I ate at Nonnabitti - finally a real sub! And at this hot-dog place twice, which famously served Bill Clinton (serving him a hot dog, not serving flesh of the ex-president). I really liked all the food, I miss that aspect a lot actually.

The weekend night shit is on a whole other level. I guess you just do the Berlin-style shit where you know the bars are open til 6am so you hang at someone's crib sippin' until like 2 or 3 then just hit up a spot, except the spot in Reykjavik is THE SPOT. There's just like one main street/intersection of bars on some Bourbon Street chaos status up in that: people running around, shouting, ambulances, vomiting, breaking glass - it was bedlam! But once inside it was pretty chill but the ceiling was kind of low, yo. But I got pretty wasted.

Otherwise I swam in this secluded pool heated by the earth, went all behind some big-ass waterfall and saw like 3 or 4 rainbows, whatever. Naw on the real I gotta say Iceland is on some
truly mystical scenery, I loved it and I want to go back!

WHERE I WORK NOW

MARIA BONITA

Recently my friend Cory told me about this new place on Danziger Strasse where they were serving authentic Mexican food, listening to reggaeton, and giving out free tequila. Oh, ok.

I went to this place three times in one week, the food was just leaps and bounds beyond most anything I had eaten in Berlin, especially for the price. MB keeps it real on the price tip as well, most of the shit there costs 4-6 euros.

Anyway without getting conflict of interest here, after all you should by now trust my opinions as far as restaurants go, I got a job here and it is a really nice change. The guys I work for are really cool, basically my age, and pay a fair wage. If you find yourself in the B stop by and say what's up! The beer is actually cold!

FLOCKA

Hard in the paint

I know it's been a while since my last post and now I'm dropping back in after so long to write
about my current favorite rapper and not food or cooking but that's a really long story, I'll get to it. Now I just feel the need to rep for this dude, Waka Flocka a.k.a. Waka Flocka Flame. I think the first jam I heard from WF was "I Work Hard" which I featured in a previous blog post. What I didn't mention then was that one night I accidentally fell asleep with this song playing in my headphones on repeat (also accidental) and listened to it like 86 times in an unconscious state. More recently, I was stuck on this one jam called "Hard in the Paint" which turned the lyric "I go hard in the muthafuckin paint" into a new mantra for me and my roommate at work. Then I just two days ago copped "Bodybag" from Muzikfene which has basically been on repeat in my brain and on itunes.

Waka Flocka really isn't even that good of a lyricist, and unfortunately he has often gotten stuck with the chaff of Zaytoven's occasionally just-plain-shitty-in-every-regard beats. What's really gripping and to me enamoring about dude is just how fucking real he keeps it. Firstly, all of his songs are basically about his commitment to his lifestyle and even more so his squad - primarily his cousin Radric Davis a.k.a. Gucci Mane. He sort of plays the Hell Rell to Gucci's Cam'ron - that motherfucker that you can tell would probably take 25 to life or a bullet for the more popular rapper that made him (although those days may be over for Rell and Cam). His love for Gucci is consummate, when asked where he got his ridiculous rap moniker, his reply is just, "Gucci's crazy ass." His song titles include shit like "Work Hard," "I go hard," "I go hard in the Paint," and "Blunt Music," which while one might assume is about smoking blunts is actually just about the style of his lyricism: "This ain't metaphor or punchline music/This is real talk I'm talkin' straight blunt music." Holy Shit! I think that's really cool.

Flocka also likes to put other things simply: his commitment, (from "Go hard..") "What I stand for - BRICK SQUAD/Im'a die for this shit man I swear to god," his mentality: "All I know is smoke weed, rob, steal and sell dope/Roll dice, get money and gang bang with my folk" and his aversion to snitching: "Police hit the scene, but don't say shit, they gon ask you, what happened? who got shot? who done fired shots? reply back 'I aint seen JACK SHIT, I ain't sayin SHIT, I ain't no SNITCH" Hard as nails, man. But i mean basically all his music is in this vein, the dude is just a fucking straight-up soldier. All his ad-libs are either him screaming his name, one of his boys' names, or assorted gun sounds. He wears a lot of red. Tatted as fuck.

My only hope is that dude doesn't go the way of some other rappers by getting big and basically weak. I see Gucci going this way soon, we all saw what the fuck happened to Lil wayne, but even dudes like Yo Gotti seem to be softening up because of making money rapping and not having to trap anymore, or even devote that much time to their music. Jeezy was tight when he was rapping about trapping, he was actually still aight when he was rapping about how all that trapping got him rich and he got to buy cool shit and you can too, but now it's just one some puh-lease type shit where he's rich and lazy. There's hope obviously, Hell Rell isn't really hugely successful comparatively but also pretty fucking successful, comparatively. But he keeps it real, grimy, and hard as fuck. Hopefully Waka can do the same without actually having to take a serious charge for Gucci or something worse.

I'll post some music in a sec.

TWEET AND SOUR SAUCE

I started a twitter for all you suckas.

Definitely for personal consumption.

Just had a visitor so I been busy, also got a new job, more on alladat soon.

FOR THE WANING SUMMER

WHAT ELSE?


















"NEXT SHOW AUSKRALIA"

FRITITTY

EHGS


Did you forget this was a food blog? Well I heard on streaming NPR (all the way in Berlin, 21st Century BLAOW) that so-called "Mommy-blogs" are apparently undergoing a serious ethical crisis: these popular blogs about things like "Wiping Butts - Up or Down?" and "Postpartem - Should I Kill my Baby?" also are reviewing products, products they get for FREE and all sorts of other sponsorships ($$$$$$). And surprise - the moms are mostly giving positive reviews without disclosing their payola! What will the Blogoshpere do? Call the FTC! Well, I want my piece of the pie, because I probably baked it. I'm gonna get back on the grind hoping that somewhere out there someone has money they don't know what to do with so I can have some and not really work. Like most writers!

So, I've been exercising more than usual lately which has increased my appetite and desire for PROTEIN. I find protein shakes and bars UTTERLY DISGUSTING, much like people with a lot of muscles. But I like cooking eggs, and occasionally eating them, so I've been on this personal frittata tip, witta lotta veggies thrown in the mix. Yes, if you are wondering, I'm lifting this straight off Mark Bittman. B-b-b-b-but my shit's on poor man status, so it's like, different, dude.

So, this is really easy! Just crack and beat up a couple eggs, and set aside. Then chop up a lil white onion, and chunk up about half an average sized zuchinni. Over medium-high heat, sautee the onion and zuch in olive oil. When they are tender (to your satisfaction, of course) add about 1/2 tablespoon of butter, and once thats doing that thing where its all FSHHHHHH and bubblin lower the heat to medium-low and add the egg. Let that shit CHEEL for a couple minutes, and then throw it in the oven for about 5 minutes. OR you can get cocky and flip it, but if you use something like, brocolli, be prepared for something less than pristine looking, although just as good tasting.

GUCCILARITY

ONLY IN BERLIN

DAMN

"...staying at his girlfriend's mother's house.."

DOUBLE DAMN

" -and it's good for the girls."

WUT???

YOU DUNCE

"Prostitutes tonight!"

Bobby Flay. I find this guy to be a bit of a jackass: a consummate cocksucker; a food-hack even. I never really liked the food network, and saw Bobby Flay as the embodiment of what was totally wrong about a TV station about food. You really ought to either cook or eat (even better, one then the other) to learn about and experience food. But here's this youngish man of good looks, an American blend of NY Irish Attitude but also the equally annoying cock-sureness of the Southern Creole/Cajun cuisine that is his specialty. This is that guy in the bar - the drunk, churlish show-off who seems to always have his finger in someone's chest regaling all around with one-upmanship.

So now, Bobby is doing this thing with Hellmann's mayonnaise where he is building for "random" people the "Perfect Sandwich" for whatever occasion they might have in mind. Naturally all these sandwiches will involve goo-gobs of Hellmann's mayo and a whole lot of Middle-American dolts watching and drooling (whether or not from hunger I cannot say). The people he chooses from the audience are obviously actors, and it's no coincidence that he has the ingredients for these oh-so-accommodating sandwiches at the ready. In one he puts corn chip crumbles into a sandwich. That reminds me of then I used to put UTZ Potato Chips into my PB & J's. That was when I was 6 years old. In another he says, "I really like to get the ingredients in there...in a big way." And in yet another "perfect sandwich" he spreads some fucked up mayo creation on a croissant, which he keeps pronouncing "CROW-sahnt" like a fucking moron.

These videos make for a good laugh all-in-all, you can watch them here.

Just to say, I have nothing against mayonnaise, and if you are going to buy mayonnaise you
should definitely buy Hellmann's. Or if you want to make it you can try Steve Albini's recipe
at the bottom of this interview. If you want to lose your appetite read what KK Null eats.

THE BEST DONER IN TOWN

MIGHTY MUS


If you ever come to Berlin, you will undoubtedly eat a Doner. Whether it's 4 am and you're wasted because you haven't eaten since what you thought was a normal dinner time but wait that was eight hours ago and you only have 3 euros left, or it's 4 pm and you just woke up next to this freaky German girl that brought you home just to see her pass out and you are starving and getting lost on the way home and only have 3 euros left, a doner, any doner will do you right. Omnipresent Imbisses make this chicken or lamb treat Berlin's Sabrett Hot Dog, cheap and delicious, but requiring just a bit of alcohol-assisted akrasia.

However, should you instead desire, of full mental soundness, a really delicious but still inexpensive mid-afternoon meal, you can find Berlin's best doner in Kreuzberg, on Mehringdamm. You will know Mustafa's when you see it because there will already be
people there, a lot of people, and you will more than likely have to wait about 10 minutes for your sandwich. This is the only place I have ever waited for a doner, and there's a good reason for that:

Firstly, the doners here are chicken, as opposed to the usual (and a bit more unsavory) lamb. You got your choice of three sauces (you should just get them all), salad, etc. These are all pretty typical, but the distinguishing extra-mile is the addition of feta cheese, fried veggies, and some fresh-squeezed lemon juice. The dudes there are pretty funny, they remind me of short-order breakfast cooks in NYC, very controlled and efficient movements but sassy of tongue all the while. 2.70 euros is the price! NOICE!

We used to live really close to Mustafa's, at which point I know there was a twice-in-one-day Mus extravaganza. Sadly we moved to the other side of town, but of course there are times when we make the trip just to hit him up, and others where jaunts elsewhere are planned such that the route convieniently passes Mehringdamm.

That website is trippy, hippy.

THE KEYS TO THE BAKERY

Berry Streusel, Banana Bread, Cherry Streusel, NY Style Cheesecake all in a days twerk


I used to not bake so much because I guess I was just a little lazy. But now I get paid to do it so I really enjoy it! But really it's quite cheap and easy to make cool shit, you only need about 7-8 things in your cupboard or cheap-ass metal shelving at all times to bake, with only minor additons for each specific recipe, really you can make all that is pictured here for less than about 12 bucks, and then go flip that shit and step your game up to profiteroles and chocolate sabayon homey. The jump-off is as follows:

1. All-Purpose Flour
2. Granulated Sugar
3. Butter
4. Eggs
4. Baking Powder
5. Vanilla Extract
6. Cinammon
7. Confectioner's (powdered) sugar
8. Lemon (for zesting)

Notice these are all cheap (except the vanilla, but it lasts) and you can keep this shit forever (except the butter and eggs, but make yourself or some freak an omelet if you sense their time is running short). Really you should have the eggs, butter, and lemon already.

No baking soda? I find substituting more baking powder for baking soda makes no easily discernible difference.

Now, say you want to....

Make a cheese cake? Buy some cream cheese, graham cracker crumbs, and sour cream!

Make Carrot Cake? Buy some carrots, cream cheese, and walnuts!

Make Banana Bread? Buy some bananas, milk, and walnuts!

Brownies? Buy a bar of nice dark unsweetened chocolate! aaaaaaand maybe some walnuts!

Berry Struesel? Milk, Berries of your choice,

you get the idea.

Baking is tight, you get fat but you also get good at it, it's cheap and girls for some reason think when a man bakes it is somehow revealing his "sensitive" side, but really I just burn myself a lot and cuss.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR?

Dude, this shit just plain fucking rules. Watch this video, read what happened at the shoot, and then watch it again. MG is right, this is "Ha" to the Nth degree, maybe the best video since and that was more than 10 years ago. I'm getting old! I remember rocking out to "Ha" in the mirror when I was 14.

Pill - Trap Goin Ham from Motion Family on Vimeo.

Plus there is some cooking of sorts going on.

DAS GEHT GAR NICHT

It's like they ain't a GAWD no mo.


Recent events have taken a turn for the worse, and I've been burning the candle at both ends all the while (well really just shooting it with a flocka-FLAMEthrower). If Berlin has taught me anything, it is how to push everything to the very limit, nay, the brink of death, to deny my body the rest it needs to function properly and to only succumb to fatigue when the drugs are gone and there's otherwise nothing better to do. But at this point it is not for some self-destructive downward spiral, but rather becuase I don't know how much time I have left at this party.

My visa was sort of denied so I may have to return to the USA soon, where it may be difficult readjusting to "American-style" routines, laws, and toilets. This is all still up in the air however - the Germans are strict but deliberate - so even their decision making process could take up to three months. Three long months for me to put three long years on my body.

Some things still make me happy though,

















and the girl at the Gelato Bar down the block oh im so saccharine wid it.

GOOGLE REKONIZE

BLAOW

"Best Carrot Cake I ever ate"?!
Who is this Stefanie?
yo googs if she nasty tell that freak get at me

NAW

One time I saw a license plate that said "OHALENA" - this burnt egg made me think of it.


I love Korean food. It's my favorite. Every since I used to have the luxury of getting my mind blown three days a week by this place in Richmond, I've been a Koko fiend. Korean food has definitely come up as far as food trendiness, with David Chang's Momofuku Empire at the forefront. So far in Berlin I've managed to eat at one Korean Restaurant that for some reason fronts as a Sushi spot. I don't think they know what they are sitting on, the Korean food here is quite good, good enough to sustain a restaurant, one would think. Although I don't think there is any other Sushi on Oderberger Str., a popular shop/eat/cafe street in Berlin.
But I digress.
Hipster Korean has hit Berlin, and while I'm cool with that (a man could waste a whole life getting pissed about trendy assholes bringing or getting brought by their trendy Asian girlfriends to hip Asian restaurants) mostly because it means more Korean for me, I gotta say these fools got a lot too cocky wit it, and think they can get away with it.
Granted I caught this place in its relatively nascent period (first day open) I could just tell it was built as a self-indulgent playground couched in a false air of uniqueness. That being said, because I don't want to seem like some out of control hater pre-judging based on the hip factor, the food was slaaaaack. Firstly, the portion size was way small for how much it cost, my side order of Kimchi cost 2.50 euro and it must have been about 1/8 oz. The bibimbap didn't really fill me up neither. That being said it was all tasty but there was one fatal error that I consider inexcusable:

Now, the food took about 50 minutes to get out to us, but hey, first day kinks being worked out, they looked pretty busy, that I can handle. But when my food did arrive, looking very appetizing though a touch paltry, I dug in to find that my fried egg had been burned. Now, one of the joys of bibimbap is stirring everything up and letting that yolk ooze out and mingle with a bit of everything. However, while looking somehow nice on the top, which I suppose made the dish presentable, the bottom was burnt (as shown) and tasted like fucking charcoal, and with no yolk ooze to speak of. Well damn. I understand if you are rushed and busy, but frying an egg properly takes 30 seconds, and an egg costs fucking 10 cents. Throw that shit out and cook another one. Daaaaaaaaayum.

I AIN'T KOBE BRYANT BUT...

Elbows off the table Mssr. Kobe


Well first off a hearty congrats to the Black Mamba and the LA Lakers for a less than stunning victory over the wherever Magic.

More importantly who is this fine-ass French woman with whom Kobe is so eager to eat? None other than Clotilde Dusoulier (doesn't everything in French need to be italicized?), the beautiful jeune fille /food blogger behind CHOCOLATE & ZUCCHINI. Currently I am running through the French Food Idioms posts on her blog which are pretty hilarious, as they are either a lot like American expressions or just insulting. I especially like the attempt at glossing over the classism in this one. Otherwise there is some really awesome food on this blog, and while most of it is innaccessable to me at this point, albeit food porn, I still learn a lot and its anecdotal aspect can be fun. And Clo is about a bajillion times hotter than Mark Bittman.

NO MORE DINING AND WINE

I think it's about time to bid adieu to the insipid, incestuous, and innocuous Dining and Wine section of the New York Times. What may have at one time been a valuable resource for those curious about the culinary styles of America's Greatest City's haute cuisine has become a self-glorification engine, catering (pardon the pun) to "liberal" "foodies" who are most likely wealthy enough to participate in every aspect of this truffle-oil soaked rag.
First, you have articles about "food in America today" that are either by Micheal Pollan or make no shame in quoting Michael Pollan every third paragraph and of course noting that he is a "frequent contributor to the New York Times." For NYT readers, these articles allow them a sigh of relief for not being poor and assuredly that strange moral comfort from simply being "aware" of the plight of the poor. So people get sad for a little while and think really hard about going to Dean & Deluca or 69th street farmer's market or whatever. For about an hour.
Then of course the wonderful, quirky, instructional cooking on NYT, now supplemented by Jill Santopietro and her "tiny (!!!!!!!)" New York City apartment. Is the size of her MANHATTAN apartment supposed to garnish (pardon the pun) sympathy from us folks elsewhere with huge kitchens that cost about 1/8th as much as it does to live on the lower east side? Fuck that! And this chick sounds like she's a 4th grader doing a book report on the first edition of The Joy of Cooking: (in monotone) "In this weeks New York Times Magazine Christie Melkie....In this Article....It's a braised chicken dish...it's adapted from..." Followed by the classic out of touch NYT pitfall: "The key is good ingredients." More patting on the back for the rich at their dinner parties.
Then of course there's Frank Bruni, who I'm sure is only writing for the Bridge and Tunnelers who eat Chic-Fil-A all week to save up to head into the big city and eat and tell their friends in the country all about it. If that doesn't kick you in the balls for being poor enough you can move on to the wine articles, and finally the occassional article about food regulation from the gov't. Yipee!
My advice is to stick to Chopped & Stewed, and otherwise just do the best you can within your budget. Try to cook as often as you can, and when you go out to eat, drop some cash but make sure it's on something you couldn't make for yourself. Good Luck!

HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN THIS ROOM?

REMOVE THE SHOTGUN FROM YOUR MOUTH

Gadzooks. Honey baked ham cupcakes topped with cinnamon buttercream frosting and candied pineapple? Natürlich!

LAWSPACHO

This recipe for Gazpacho I sort of just made up when I was at work but it was strongly inspired by a great man and chef I used to work for. Besides firing my brother for calling him a "Fuck" and having sex with Jenny McCarthy, this dude was a sweet boss and the first person I ever saw actually take one sip of champagne he had just bought, grimace, and hand it to my brother (still working there at the time) and say "This is disgusting, throw it out." Also years later I was speaking with this chef and confided to him that I was high many of the times I was working with him and that he was none the wiser, to which he replied "that goes for both of us." God bless the LAW, from sleeping in a tent in his bedroom to loving Three 6 Mafia's "Let's Plan a Robbery." He could make some good gazpacho, too:

What you workin' wiphe:
6 Tomatoes, Vine Ripe and lookin' right, rough chopped (big chunks)
1 Carrot, finely chopped
1 Red or Green Bell Pepper, finely chopped
1 Cucumber, finely chopped
3 Cloves Garlic, minced
7-8 Fresh Basil leaves, cut up
1/2 Medium Red Onion, finely chopped
Olive Oil (2-3 Tbsp)
1 Tbsp Red Wine Vinegar
2 tsp Worcestershire Sauce
Salt and Pepper
Sriricha! (just a squirt)

Simply combine all these ingredients in a bowl and process with an immersion blender, you will probably need to add about a cup or two of water to get things going. Process until smooth and chill that shit out for an hour or so. Serve with or without a dollop of sour cream!

AUTOFOCUS

Blueberry/Raspberry Bread 1st try...so so

MORE MJ

TO really round out your in-kitchen Michael Jackson collection you should probably grab a couple hit from "Off the Wall" and just the song "Bad" as a finale, for that moment you try the food you just made or serve it to some 9-year-old boy. Who's bad?

Anyway I'm still on my Thriller binge, further supplemented by these hits:

"Don't Stop til you Get Enough" Remember that Seinfeld Montage?


"The Way you Make Me Feel" Sing along with this to your favorite knife. Wait a minute...


What the fuck am I talking about just cop "Off the Wall" too it's all tight I'm listening to it now with Z in the APT and lovin it. And don't forget "Bad"!!

I guess I'll post some food shit tomorrow.

THE BEST ALBUM TO COOK TO HANDS-DOWN

When I'm in the kitchen working hard, hustling for my money, maybe a little tired or hungover, I usually listen to rap just to get into the grind, buckle down, and make it through the day. But after a good night's sleep dreaming of delicious treats and soups there is one album that amplifies my ability to dance. I mean cook! Yes, listening to Thriller while cooking or baking or even washing dishes is one of the most enjoyable experiences of all time. If you haven't done it before I suggest you do, becuase there's nothing like groovin' and movin' while you cookin'.

READY TO DIE

Shit is real, and hungry's how I feel. Last week I found out my Mom has a ridiculously high cholesterol level and it's probable that I do as well. So I decided today to eat an egg-salad sandwich with bacon. This shit was b-b-bangin'.

What you workin' wiphe (for you and maybe your homeboy Z):
4 eggs
3 ribs of celery
MAYO
BREAD
Lettuce (I used dat Iceberg)
Vinegar of some sort
Salt
Pepper
Fresh Chives (maybe like 7 stalks, or leaves, or whatever)
BACON

Oh how he do dat?
First take the eggs and put them in a pot with some cold water, a pinch of salt, and a splash of vinegar (this helps with peeling). Set it to boil. While awaiting dem bubbles, chop up the celery and chives. You will also need to prepare an ICE BATH (best name for a food-related black metal band) during this time, for which you simply need to put ice in some water in a bowl. Keep an eye on the eggs, once they start to boil you will need to check the clock, they must only boil for 8 minutes, after which you must drain the eggs and drop the eggs into the ice bath. Next you will need to peel the eggs, put them in a mixing bowl, add about one and a half tablespoons of mayonaisse and mash them up with a fork until they are at the texture you desire. Then add the chives, celery, and salt and pepper to taste. Next cook the bacon in a frying pan, and then make a sandwich, dummy!

ICH LIEBE ES (DON'T HATE)

I know what you are probably thinking when you look at this picture: "Joey must have gotten really high and thusly his moral compass was compromised. So he went to Mcdonald's and got a big mac, I'm sure he regretted it later." Nothing could be farther from the truth. Sadly, I was not high for this experience, but as the picture tells I was definitely in a peaceful place within; truly this is one of those moments where the camera captures the very soul of the subject. Now I love Mcdonald's and I miss America sometimes, and I got really bummed out earlier that day by seeing the wrong things on the internet, so ZVH and I took a trip to MAC DEEZ in search of a little special sauce for the soul. But some people really hate Mcdonald's, and hate on those that love it. Well, I've got a couple things to say about them:

The first thing people might hit me with is "Oh why in the world would you ever want to go to Mcdonald's?" To which I reply "because it's soooo fucking good." This is the point where they tell you how long it has been since they last ate it: "Dude I haven't been to Mcdonald's in like, 2 years." Why would I even begin to give the most micrscopic dollar-menu shit about that? The last time I went to a drycleaners was six months ago. Do you care? They seem to associate Mcdonald's with some less-than-enlightened meanness reserved for those who have yet to "see the light" or date a vegetarian. Probably they were just told that Mcdonald's is BAAAAAD by someone who they thought were smarter than them, and then for extra points they probably picked up that torch and preached the evils of fast food to their friends who they now thought were less smart than themselves (whew). And look man, Mcd's simply pimped the shit out of capitalism and American culture, and that's the way the world is, at least we can have a Big Mac every once and a while to cheer us up.

The other thing a hater might ask is "You went all the way to Germany and all you got was Mcdonald's?" Implying that I am not sufficiently engaging myself with the culture and in fact withdrawing by going to the most American institution I can find. Well look, I moved to Berlin, ok? This is not some weekend chinabus jaunt to the Big Apple to feel cooler when I get back to anywhere else. I have been thoroughly and at times unwilllingly exposed and inundated with German/Berlin culture, and I really wanted a taste of home. I get scowled at if I cross the street in disregard for the "don't walk" sign even if there is not a single car in sight. Do you now what a special treat it is to have ice in your drink over here? I went to the movie theater two days ago and when I bought my ticket I was assigned a seat. Fuck is that? So lay off a brotha, I'm getting my daily dose of Deutschland, and that Big Mac seriously did wonders for the twenty minutes or so it was in my body.

MY MAN KNOW

TRAPPIN' HARD SERVIN' FENES

I used to think the term "Starving Artist" just meant that "artists" were starved for attention. I mean they usually look like o.k. people until you start talking to them and they hit you with some shit about what they are working on or what their music is about or some poem or short story bout anthropomorphic whatever-the-fuck . Well I don't know shit about art and I can't read. So just joke around with me about how shitty other people are in the room and we can get along fine. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, so I thought "Starving Artist" meant starved for attention - until I had to make food for a bunch of artists. The Cafe had a "vernissage" over the weekend which I guess is Swahili for "art show." The artists arrived early of course and proceeded to demolish most of the food I made for those who would look at their work and nod or perhaps raise an eyebrow in feigned intrigue but really they just counting to ten in their heads before going back for more food or better yet alcohol. At one point I was cooking and blasting Waka Flocka Flame (some of the hardest shit I've heard) and this artist-type came into the kitchen by accident and I turned around knife in hand and must have given him some fucked-up look becuase he proceeded to back out of the kitchen with both hands up saying "Sorry sorry sorry." Anyway one of the hors d'oeuvres was this tuna salad I really like, I figured these art types, while "poor," would still look down their nose at mayonaise, so it's a lemon juice and olive oil thang. Here's the recipe, I made a lot but this is for one can of tuna.

What you workin wiphe:

One can of Tuna (in olive oil is best)
2 tbsp Olive Oil
Juice of 1/2 of one lemon
10-12 Kalamata Olives
1 tbsp capers get a lil' juice in there too
Half a medium red onion, diced up
Maybe like 1/4 cup chopped parsley
Salt
Pepper
Waka Flocka Flame



Pit them olives and mix dat shit up. If your tuna wasn't in olive oil, you prolly gonna need to add some more. Salt and Pepper to taste. Serve on some bread or some shit.

On another note, last night at a bar I was getting a little tipsy and was approached by this fine-ass german female that made my night. After short introductions the coversation went like this:

Fine-ass broad: "So you are from America?"
Yo main man JoJo in the mahfuckin' building: "Yes"
FAB: "So you are an artist"
YMMJJitMB: "No"
FAB: "So you are a musician?"
YMMJJitMB: "No"
FAB: "So what are you?"
YMMJJitMB: "I'm just a cook."

At this point FAB threw her arms around me and, told me how relieved she was not to be talking to a musician or artist. Then we talked about scrambled eggs. I was gonna try to scramble her eggs but I think I blew it at this point:

FAB: "I just love a man who can cook."
YMMJJitMB: "Me too!"

THIS A BITTY TREAT

Mark Bittman, I never met him but goddamn it that's my man. I wish I could post my own brownie recipe but I still don't know if I'm supposed to put the weed in with the butter first or just straight into the mix. So anyway I just used my homie's recipe from his blog and made a double batch of that in a 9 x 13, which worked quite well actually, be sure to use some quality chocolate and its ok to use a lil mo than recommended by the recipe. I'm also gonna suggest you keep it all chocolate baby and leave out the vanilla extract. While they bake you should watch this entire Cam'ron concert on your iPod Touch, becuase that's what I did. And go get that Crime Pays May 12th!














Low low low heat baybay!

MAKE IT RAINBOW

Basically wanted to get out there and jump on lettin' everybody know we got to this joke first;
Euros are multicolored. Oh and if I toss out a 100 euro bill, that's the same as throwing out 134 American dollars and three mahfuckin' American cents! BLAOW!

YOU GET IT - Red Lentil Soup wth Balsamic Vinegar

So, time for my first tagesuppe at Cafe CK. Cory was nice enough to bring in some red lentils from home, and shout out to NYT for partial inspiration.

WHAT U WORKIN WIF:
4 Tablespoons Olive oil
3 lil onions
2-4 cloves uh dat garlic
Tomato Puree
4 cups red lentils
1 big-ass carrot
Bout 2 quarts vegetable stock
Wa-wa
Summa dat: salt, white pepper, cumin, crushed red pepper
Fresh Cilantro
Balsamic Vinegar

Inspirational Music


AIGHT:

1. Chop up the onions and mince the garlic. In a large saucepot, get that olive oil shimmerin' and shinin' at about medium high heat. Once properly shinin, drop the onions and garlic in, and sweat 'em for about four minutes, keep them moving around in there, don't let them burn!

2. Put about a half-cup of that tomato puree in there, stir and reduce the heat to medium. Now is when I added about a half tablespoon of salt, a teaspoon of pepper, a teaspoon of cumin, and a teaspoon on crushed red pepper. You will probably have to add more salt later. After about two minutes:

3. Add stock, water (enough to cover the beans but not too much mo), lentils, and the carrot (medium chop). Turn up the heat to medium-high, partially cover the soup, bring to simmer and then reduce the heat, keeping the soup partially covered. The soup does not require too much attention.

4. Once the lentils and carrots are soft, you can adjust the salt as you please. Then serve with about a half-tablespoon of balsamic per 8 oz., and plently of cilantro chifffffff. GET IT?

OH LAWUD (or FUCK COCAINE PT. 2)

Soon after writing that last post I jammed out a bunch of mini-sandwiches and then fell asleep on the couch in the back of the cafe. If I ever doubted that my boss might have a sense of humor about me showing up to work essentially looking like a madman, this photo she took of me whilst I slept surely allayed any fear I might have of chastening. I really felt like shit though, and I had to take a bite of this brownie just to make sure it was uncooked, but I guess I was just getting my (wait for it) just deserts. BLOAW!
Peep the pic at the cafe's blog, Cafe CK

FUCK COCAINE

Hey do you want some insight into my briefly total-gefuckt welt? Too late fucker. I am back in the kitchen after not sleeping for 29 hours - this basically sucks. I am in no condition to cook and was literally just at some fucking BIZARRE deutsch club on the river from 6 am to 9 am where people were just pretending it was a real night club BUT THE SUN WAS OUT and it was OUTSIDE (however while washing dishes I am being careful not to erase the stamp from said club because I can go back until monday). So I'm wasted at work. It's 10:47 am. This basically sucks. Shout out to my motherfucking heart BIG BO, miss you.

STANDING IN THE KITCHEN

So, I'm here at work and I've been standing up since 8 am. I made a bunch of scrambled eggs for Germans, who apparently don't know how to just order off the menu - in fact not one person has just been content with the offerings and has instead modified every item or just made up something completely different. Not to mention I am also washing every dish (clean!), glass, and stupid-ass little-ass demi-tasse spoon. But hey, I'm gettin' money, I can't complain, and this Yo Gotti song has got me hu$tlin even though Tom's Diner can eff off becuase my cafe is mo' betta.

HOW I'M FEELIN' RIGHT NAH

What up WORLD? It's been a long six weeks since my last post, I know, and it might be a bit longer until you see another episode of Chopped & Screwed, but trust that your boy Jojo is back on the food grind, cookin' n cuttin'. I got work (at a cafe) in Berlin and have been standing in the kitchen for long hours wanting to write a lil sumn' about it erry once and a while. So don't touch that dial, or keyboard, or the screen on your ipod, especially after handling raw poultry. This video pretty much says it all, I'm Back Bitch.

Gucci Mane- Im Back B*tch ! from Radio Planet on Vimeo.

Chopped n Screwed Episode 4

YesorNoDC Presents: Chopped & Screwed Episode 4: Recession Ramen from YESORNODC on Vimeo.

Chopped n Screwed Episode 3

Y/N presents: Chopped & Screwed Episode 3: Stag Night Steak from YESORNODC on Vimeo.

Peep the steaks. These steaks were a little thin for this preparation, gotta get that pan nice and hot to sear them and lock in all that flavor.

Chopped n Screwed Episode 2

Yes Or No DC Presents: Chopped And Screwed - Episode 2 - "Da Bomblette" from YESORNODC on Vimeo.

Nothing says "I don't actually love you" better than an omelet for a nice young lady in the morning. The Caprese omelet is a banger you can even save for yourself. Just remember that you gotta pay attention to your heat, you don't want to give a girl brown eggs just then she's likely to tell everyone LIES about your pee-pee.

Chopped n Screwed Episode 1

Y/N presents Chopped & Screwed - Episode 1: BruXXL Sprouts from YESORNODC on Vimeo.

Ok so here's how to cook Brussels sprouts, one of my favorite vegetables, in foil pouches. Cooking these in foil pouches preserves all the moisture making your sprouts sweaty and saucy.
My favorite flavor combination for this recipe will always be tamari (aged soy sauce) and butter in equal parts, finished with lemon. Anyways you can really do whatever you want this way as shown, and you can also cook a variety of vegetables in this way, they just take a little while is all. Try it with potatoes cut up with rosemary, olive oil, S + P. Good luck!