FOR THE WANING SUMMER

WHAT ELSE?


















"NEXT SHOW AUSKRALIA"

FRITITTY

EHGS


Did you forget this was a food blog? Well I heard on streaming NPR (all the way in Berlin, 21st Century BLAOW) that so-called "Mommy-blogs" are apparently undergoing a serious ethical crisis: these popular blogs about things like "Wiping Butts - Up or Down?" and "Postpartem - Should I Kill my Baby?" also are reviewing products, products they get for FREE and all sorts of other sponsorships ($$$$$$). And surprise - the moms are mostly giving positive reviews without disclosing their payola! What will the Blogoshpere do? Call the FTC! Well, I want my piece of the pie, because I probably baked it. I'm gonna get back on the grind hoping that somewhere out there someone has money they don't know what to do with so I can have some and not really work. Like most writers!

So, I've been exercising more than usual lately which has increased my appetite and desire for PROTEIN. I find protein shakes and bars UTTERLY DISGUSTING, much like people with a lot of muscles. But I like cooking eggs, and occasionally eating them, so I've been on this personal frittata tip, witta lotta veggies thrown in the mix. Yes, if you are wondering, I'm lifting this straight off Mark Bittman. B-b-b-b-but my shit's on poor man status, so it's like, different, dude.

So, this is really easy! Just crack and beat up a couple eggs, and set aside. Then chop up a lil white onion, and chunk up about half an average sized zuchinni. Over medium-high heat, sautee the onion and zuch in olive oil. When they are tender (to your satisfaction, of course) add about 1/2 tablespoon of butter, and once thats doing that thing where its all FSHHHHHH and bubblin lower the heat to medium-low and add the egg. Let that shit CHEEL for a couple minutes, and then throw it in the oven for about 5 minutes. OR you can get cocky and flip it, but if you use something like, brocolli, be prepared for something less than pristine looking, although just as good tasting.

GUCCILARITY

ONLY IN BERLIN

DAMN

"...staying at his girlfriend's mother's house.."

DOUBLE DAMN

" -and it's good for the girls."

WUT???

YOU DUNCE

"Prostitutes tonight!"

Bobby Flay. I find this guy to be a bit of a jackass: a consummate cocksucker; a food-hack even. I never really liked the food network, and saw Bobby Flay as the embodiment of what was totally wrong about a TV station about food. You really ought to either cook or eat (even better, one then the other) to learn about and experience food. But here's this youngish man of good looks, an American blend of NY Irish Attitude but also the equally annoying cock-sureness of the Southern Creole/Cajun cuisine that is his specialty. This is that guy in the bar - the drunk, churlish show-off who seems to always have his finger in someone's chest regaling all around with one-upmanship.

So now, Bobby is doing this thing with Hellmann's mayonnaise where he is building for "random" people the "Perfect Sandwich" for whatever occasion they might have in mind. Naturally all these sandwiches will involve goo-gobs of Hellmann's mayo and a whole lot of Middle-American dolts watching and drooling (whether or not from hunger I cannot say). The people he chooses from the audience are obviously actors, and it's no coincidence that he has the ingredients for these oh-so-accommodating sandwiches at the ready. In one he puts corn chip crumbles into a sandwich. That reminds me of then I used to put UTZ Potato Chips into my PB & J's. That was when I was 6 years old. In another he says, "I really like to get the ingredients in there...in a big way." And in yet another "perfect sandwich" he spreads some fucked up mayo creation on a croissant, which he keeps pronouncing "CROW-sahnt" like a fucking moron.

These videos make for a good laugh all-in-all, you can watch them here.

Just to say, I have nothing against mayonnaise, and if you are going to buy mayonnaise you
should definitely buy Hellmann's. Or if you want to make it you can try Steve Albini's recipe
at the bottom of this interview. If you want to lose your appetite read what KK Null eats.

THE BEST DONER IN TOWN

MIGHTY MUS


If you ever come to Berlin, you will undoubtedly eat a Doner. Whether it's 4 am and you're wasted because you haven't eaten since what you thought was a normal dinner time but wait that was eight hours ago and you only have 3 euros left, or it's 4 pm and you just woke up next to this freaky German girl that brought you home just to see her pass out and you are starving and getting lost on the way home and only have 3 euros left, a doner, any doner will do you right. Omnipresent Imbisses make this chicken or lamb treat Berlin's Sabrett Hot Dog, cheap and delicious, but requiring just a bit of alcohol-assisted akrasia.

However, should you instead desire, of full mental soundness, a really delicious but still inexpensive mid-afternoon meal, you can find Berlin's best doner in Kreuzberg, on Mehringdamm. You will know Mustafa's when you see it because there will already be
people there, a lot of people, and you will more than likely have to wait about 10 minutes for your sandwich. This is the only place I have ever waited for a doner, and there's a good reason for that:

Firstly, the doners here are chicken, as opposed to the usual (and a bit more unsavory) lamb. You got your choice of three sauces (you should just get them all), salad, etc. These are all pretty typical, but the distinguishing extra-mile is the addition of feta cheese, fried veggies, and some fresh-squeezed lemon juice. The dudes there are pretty funny, they remind me of short-order breakfast cooks in NYC, very controlled and efficient movements but sassy of tongue all the while. 2.70 euros is the price! NOICE!

We used to live really close to Mustafa's, at which point I know there was a twice-in-one-day Mus extravaganza. Sadly we moved to the other side of town, but of course there are times when we make the trip just to hit him up, and others where jaunts elsewhere are planned such that the route convieniently passes Mehringdamm.

That website is trippy, hippy.

THE KEYS TO THE BAKERY

Berry Streusel, Banana Bread, Cherry Streusel, NY Style Cheesecake all in a days twerk


I used to not bake so much because I guess I was just a little lazy. But now I get paid to do it so I really enjoy it! But really it's quite cheap and easy to make cool shit, you only need about 7-8 things in your cupboard or cheap-ass metal shelving at all times to bake, with only minor additons for each specific recipe, really you can make all that is pictured here for less than about 12 bucks, and then go flip that shit and step your game up to profiteroles and chocolate sabayon homey. The jump-off is as follows:

1. All-Purpose Flour
2. Granulated Sugar
3. Butter
4. Eggs
4. Baking Powder
5. Vanilla Extract
6. Cinammon
7. Confectioner's (powdered) sugar
8. Lemon (for zesting)

Notice these are all cheap (except the vanilla, but it lasts) and you can keep this shit forever (except the butter and eggs, but make yourself or some freak an omelet if you sense their time is running short). Really you should have the eggs, butter, and lemon already.

No baking soda? I find substituting more baking powder for baking soda makes no easily discernible difference.

Now, say you want to....

Make a cheese cake? Buy some cream cheese, graham cracker crumbs, and sour cream!

Make Carrot Cake? Buy some carrots, cream cheese, and walnuts!

Make Banana Bread? Buy some bananas, milk, and walnuts!

Brownies? Buy a bar of nice dark unsweetened chocolate! aaaaaaand maybe some walnuts!

Berry Struesel? Milk, Berries of your choice,

you get the idea.

Baking is tight, you get fat but you also get good at it, it's cheap and girls for some reason think when a man bakes it is somehow revealing his "sensitive" side, but really I just burn myself a lot and cuss.